Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence

Acceptance

I ask then, has God rejected his people? By no means!
—Romans 11:1

The Old Testament is replete with story after story of God’s unrelenting pursuit of His children despite their frequent rejection of Him. These biblical narratives show that God’s favor is not dependent on the dedication and devotion of His children. Rather, God’s love for His children undeserved and unconditional. Although we often turn our backs on Him, God will never turn His back on us. The writer of Hebrews puts it this way: “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).

God’s unconditional acceptance is an excellent example of how we can best love our adolescents. When we satisfy our teenagers’ deepest thirst for unconditional love and acceptance, we abide in the biblical mandate to not “provoke” (Ephesians 6:4) our children. A firm commitment to loving teens despite rejection and defiance creates and sustains an adolescent’s feelings of security, safety, and overall well-being.

Psychological research substantiates both the personal and relational benefits of parental acceptance, as well as the negative consequences of parental rejection. Amato and Ochiltree (1986) found that parental rejection correlates with both anxiety and depression. Fauber (1990) found that parental rejection correlates with serious behavioral problems in adolescence. On the other hand, parental acceptance is associated with positive outcomes in adolescents such as intimacy, mutual respect, and reciprocal admiration (Sinha 2007).

Barriers to Acceptance

The most common barrier to parental acceptance is the common practice of responding to perceived rejection with rejection. Notice, that I said perceived rejection. In my experience, when parents interpret their teens’ behaviors as outright rejection, what is often really happening is that their teen is simply trying to meet an autonomy need such as independence, separation, and/or privacy. Furthermore, when adolescents pursue legitimate needs that parents interpret as rejection, parents often end up feeling dismissed, unimportant, and ultimately unloved. Parents often reflexively respond to these feelings by hurting back. This retaliation can come in the form of overt hostility, covert guilt trips, or silent detachment.

When parents retaliate, they say or do things that feel profoundly rejecting to their teen. Parental rejection can be conveyed through verbal comments, nonverbal gestures, and/or distancing behaviors. Parental rejection in any form crushes a teenager’s spirit. The Bible speaks to this saying, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). In addition, the Bible teaches us that “there is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). Below are some common phrases that pierce an adolescent’s heart like a sword:

• “Why are you so mean to me?”
• “Stop being so rude.”
• “It hurts my feelings when you don’t want to be around me or our family.”
• “What is wrong with you?”
• “It seems like I can’t even have a normal conversation with you.”
• “You never talk to me anymore.”
• “Am I really that bad of a parent that you can’t be seen in public with me?”
• “If you don’t want to be a part of this family, why don’t you leave?”
• “Why do you push me away when I’m just trying to help you?”
• “After all I have done for you, how can you be so ungrateful?”
• “I don’t deserve to be treated like this.”

In addition, scripture speaks directly to the importance of resisting the temptation to respond to an injury without retaliation. Jesus said, “If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:39). Romans says, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’” (Romans 12:19). Below are some common examples of retaliatory actions:

• ignoring your teen after feeling ignored by him or her
• refusing affection after your teen has refused affection
• not inviting your teen to participate in family activities after he or she has declined a previous invitation
• giving short answers after your teen has given you short answers
• avoiding interactions in the home with your teen after feeling ignored
• telling your teen you are too busy to be involved in his or her activities or to drive him or her to the activities after feeling that he or she has not made time for you

All of the above words and actions only serve to deflate an adolescent’s spirit. In order to prevent this destructive pattern, I ask parents I work with in my private practice to do two things. First, do not take it personally when you feel rejected by your adolescent. Remind yourself that your adolescent loves you. Adolescents may be rejecting at times, but they continue to need the patient availability and presence of their parents. Second, I ask parents to feel fully but choose wisely. In other words, I ask them to stop, breathe, and nonjudgmentally pay attention to their own feelings. Then I ask parents to identify and enact a wise and loving response.

A common example can illustrate what I mean by this second directive. Suppose your teenager turns away as you gently and affectionately put your arm around him or her. In this moment, you will likely feel rejected, hurt, and maybe even angry. It is important to validate your feelings rather than beating yourself up for experiencing negative emotions. There is nothing wrong with you. Next, instead of behaving automatically according to your impulses, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself what a wise choice would look like. In this case, a wise choice would be gently moving your arm away without saying any hurtful words or engaging in any provocative actions. Later, when your teen inevitably seeks out affection, respond in kind, even though you may still be feeling some residue of resentment.