Confessions of a Confused Christian

I often tell myself that I am giving control to God in a given situation. I often pray, God take care of this, and then immediately act as if He won’t. For example, my ex-wife and I were seeking to buy a home in Fort Lauderdale. We had already found the home, had completed negotiating with the seller’s bank, as the home was being sold through a short sale, and just need to finish our financing. We knew that this was the home God wanted for us, as this was the first home that all of us fell in love with. We saw the home the moment it went on sale, and had the contract signed that day. The home was within walking distance from our church and the children’s school, and was on a peaceful street, with few traffic interruptions, such that we felt the children would be safe. We knew, with absolute certainty, that this was where God wanted us to live.

We were using a mortgage broker to help us secure the loan, and were expected to close just before Christmas. Our banker told us we could get a better deal through our bank, and so we started talking to the bank’s mortgage broker. We didn’t pray about this, and just blindly leapt into it with our bank, and that’s when everything started going wrong.

The bank started asking for various documents, which I provided. The bank would receive it and then ask for more. Because of the delays in the bank, we had to push back our closing date another month. The sellers had already moved out, we had already started packing and even had planned the move, but had to hold back because of the bank. This went on for weeks at a time and it seemed like more and more roadblocks were being thrown up against us. We kept pushing back the closing date, which not only made the sellers upset, but their attorneys and their bank who wanted to renegotiate the deal. Not only were we dealing with this situation, but our landlord told us we had to get out of the house we were renting by Valentine’s Day. I’m freaking out, because I do not know where we are going to live, and I am taking full responsibility for everything, as I am the father of this family.

I was miserable. I couldn’t sleep, I had trouble eating and I was constantly in stress. Every night, I would go out into the living room and pray. I would say, “God, I know that you control all things. I give you this home situation. I ask you to open the doors and place us where you want us to be. You can perform miracles and I ask you for a miracle in this situation.” I would then go back to the bedroom and sleep for a couple of hours, as I had some peace.

The problem was, the following morning, I would get up and immediately wrestle control back from God. I would start calling the bank, and asking everyone, what can I do to fix this situation. I was no longer putting my faith and trust in God to fix the situation. Rather, I put the faith and trust in me. I made myself god, as I thought I could control the situation and do right by my family.

My intention was good. I was only trying to make sure that my family was safe, but every moment that I tried to fix and control the situation, I broke this commandment. I made myself god over the situation. I did not truly trust our Heavenly Father in this situation, even though, I was praying to Him every night, and several times during the day. Immediately after the prayers, I felt peace, but rather than rely upon that peace, I took control. That was my sin.

This is just one example where I made myself god. I could give you countless others, and can tell you how I do this on a daily basis. I will pray for God to fix a situation, and then immediately run away from Him and try to do it myself, but this is not the only way I place myself as god. There are also times, when I do not listen to Him and do what I want to do.