The Various Faces of Grief

Chapter 1

My mother and I had always shared a very close relationship for as long as I can remember. Wherever she was, I was always with her. With the divorce of my parents at age twelve, that closeness deepened even more. We very quickly became each other’s support as well as best friends. We actually spent most of our time with each other rather than with outside friendships or other relationships. We generally enjoyed being together. I lived at home throughout my high school and college years and even into my fourteen-year teaching career. We depended on each other for so much and were alike in many ways, so living together worked out well. She was, and has always been, my biggest encourager. If I was ever down, she was always there to lift me up. There was nothing I couldn’t accomplish in her eyes. She was never one to be down though. She had experienced many of her own personal challenges, including the loss of her father at a young age, two marriages that ended in divorce, and giving birth to a stillborn daughter. She never let any of those devastating experiences keep her from living a happy life. She worked hard, often more than one job, to support us. She was, no doubt, a strong woman emotionally and physically. She was always smiling and willing to help anyone who needed help. Everyone who met her loved her, and she loved them as well. I was beyond proud to have her as my mother. In no way could I have ever imagined my life without her or ever dreamed of what we would later have to face.

In all my thirty-eight years of life, cancer was never something that I had to experience, until the time of her diagnosis. The only thing I knew about cancer was what I had seen in the movies. Mom’s dad had had cancer in 1965, but it was not nearly as heard of as it is today. In fact, the type of cancer he had was not even known at the time of his death. That dreadful day in November 2015 changed our lives drastically. A simple annual doctor visit turned into our worst nightmare. I can still remember the feeling of a lump in my throat at just hearing the word mentioned as a possibility. It sounded so harsh. His exact words were “I hope it’s not cancer.” This time, the word was related to us and was very real. It was actually too real to accept—at least for me anyway. There was this cold chill that came over me when I thought about the possibility of Mom having cancer. It was something I never wanted to hear in relation to any of my family members, but now I was hearing it about my mom. The woman of strength whom I often thought couldn’t be broken. Sadly, overwhelming fear would resurface many times within the following months and years as well.

After that particular visit, Mom was sent to a specialist. The specialist told us in her office after the examination that she was sure it was cancer but didn’t know the kind. She wanted to do more tests to make an official diagnosis, so she set Mom up for a biopsy of the vaginal mass that was the evil culprit of all her discomfort. We had known as soon as she became systematic— which is having a menstrual cycle after menopause—that something was wrong. Though we had no idea what was causing it. Cancer was the furthest thing from our minds. Mom was having extreme difficulty urinating and was up and down all hours of the night, so she also had a catheter placed at the same time as the biopsy.

After returning home, Mom was finally able to sleep through the whole night—something she hadn’t done in a very long time. We received the call that it was, in fact, cancer and that they would be setting her up with an oncologist who would give us her treatment options. A good period of time passed between the biopsy and that appointment, leaving us, of course, wondering and worrying more.

Finally, we met with the oncologist. He laid it out before us in black and white. It hit me like a ton of bricks, yet Mom remained calm through the visit. Not only did she have cancer, but she had stage IV vaginal cancer. I don’t think I really fully grasped what I heard. How did she get to stage IV when she hadn’t even had symptoms for very long? He went on to tell us that it was a rare form of cancer and had already spread to some nearby lymph nodes as well as her urethra, which was causing most of her discomfort and not allowing her to urinate on her own. This was our first time hearing anything about this type of cancer, and we had absolutely no familiarity with the different stages of cancer. I remember how emotional it was. It was a lot to take in all at one time. Mom never once showed any kind of negative emotion though. She had the mind-set and faith that she was going to beat it and that God was on her side. In fact, she told me that the day they called with the results from the biopsy, and she kept that same determined will and strength throughout her entire battle. She never once believed that this cancer would take her life. Her battle would go on to be the most difficult journey, emotionally and physically, we would ever have to take together.