Free Spirit

Introduction:

My goal in life ever since I was a child, was to be free. Free from worry, free from judgment, free from hate, free from authority, free from fear. I wanted so bad to never have to feel pain and to never have to be hurt, so I chased after what the world told me freedom looked like. What was that? Well, it was doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, all to make myself feel good and avoid disappointment and discouragement. I mean, the definition of freedom is literally to do whatever one wants, without anyone stopping them or holding them back.

For me personally, my ways of seeking freedom started off as “casual”; when someone hurt me, I would turn to drugs or sex or slander, to get a false sense of pride and contentment. For me, this is what seemed casual, but I did not know that this wasn’t normal. Then it quickly escalated. What began as temporary satisfaction and avoidance, turned into addictions that led down a dark and traumatizing path. By the age of 13, I was having sex. By the age of 15, I was smoking marijuana and drinking. By the age of 17, I was doing all of those same things but also harder drugs like cocaine and ecstasy. By the age of about 18, I was a promiscuous, drug dealing, drug addicted, abuse victim. By the age of 20, I was a lesbian. And so how did a young girl, from a Christ-centered, family end up so lost and so broken?

When I was young, I used to dress up as a boy. It may seem like a simple statement, but really it was a deep internal struggle. Psychologists would call what I dealt with, Gender Dysphoria, where I believed in my heart, soul and mind that I should have been born a boy. I had no concept of how to be a girl. Femininity was far beyond my understanding. I dressed like a boy, talked like a boy, walked like a boy, sat like a boy, and acted like a boy. It was so bad, that I could not even look in the mirror without feeling uncomfortable with my identity. I remember constantly holding my hair back, so that I could see what I would look like with a shaved head. All this was going on, and yet I did not understand that my personality didn’t equal my sexuality. I did not understand what I was feeling or how to process it.

We will dive into that much deeper, but for now, just know that this confusion about my identity, ended up making me believe that the key to freedom was achievable by finding “my truth.” What began at a young age, transformed into a life where I was abused, confused, abandoned, mistreated, mostly because of my lack of identity and self-worth. I never told anyone what I was dealing with, because I feared rejection. On top of that, no one ever stopped to talk to me about what was going on; everyone just either ignored the obvious signs, or tried to change me into someone that I was not.

This book is my story. It is a story full of abuse, drug addiction, mental health illness, promiscuity, and homosexuality. My goal of sharing my story with you, is to spread the message that God loves everyone, no matter who they are or where they are at in life. Another main goal is that we will begin to bridge the communication gap between the LGBTQ community and the church. I hope to create a desire for everyone who reads this to know God more, to love deeper, and to listen and communicate with others better. Our generation is on a search for truth and freedom; I hope that this book will start a movement to direct our generation onto the right path. I pray that understanding and communication will evolve, and the heart of Jesus will prevail. I am going to expose my innermost thoughts and life events. I pray that as I do so, you have a personal encounter with the Spirit of God. May He refine you, teach you, guide you and leave you in a state of awe and wonder. May you find everlasting joy and true freedom, from a free gift; a free Spirit; the Holy Spirit.