Cloaked

Silence sometimes falls like a sweet, gentle, refreshing rain. During those times of silence, I don’t have to do anything, be anything, or say anything to just feel the awesomeness of the presence of God in my soul.

But there are also times when waiting in silence feels more like a bottomless pit from which there is no escape. The darkness down there is filled with fear and unanswered questions that threaten my peace. I am lonely in that pit and don’t understand what God is doing or where He has gone. I’m tired of being hurt, used, and disappointed. Giving up seems like the easiest way out. My energy is gone, and there seems to be no one who understands the emotional wreck I have become.

I have walked through deafeningly quiet times when I cannot seem to hear from God, no matter how hard I try. Those have been the scariest times in my life. It is invigorating when I can hear His voice speaking clearly to me. I revel in the feeling—almost like the butterflies one feels when one first falls in love. But when that feeling disappears, I feel that my whole world is falling apart.

Over the years, I’ve found that God is never the one who stops the communication. It is I. I found that my relationship with God is very much like relationships between human beings. As with our earthly relationships when not nurtured, head-over-heels, chocolate and roses turns into work schedules and soccer practice. The newness wears off, and the extraordinary romance you once had fades into the mundane routines of life. It isn’t that love has stopped. It’s not that conversations have gone flat. It’s the business of life that takes over the space that was reserved for Him.

When I rush through my Bible reading and say a prayer rather than really pray, how can I expect to hear anything back? It IS like picking up the phone and talking into it when I haven’t even hit the call button. In all reality, I’m just going through the motions so much that I fool myself into thinking I am keeping up my end of the conversation. But in all reality, I am too busy with life to pay attention to my own side of the conversation, much less His.

I have seen God’s hand in action. I revel in His company, but I am the one who hangs up the phone without even realizing I have done so. My relationship dehydrates, and I begin to live with a vast emptiness inside.

During those exquisite moments of desperation, I realize that anyone or anything that makes me cry out to God can be counted as a blessing. It doesn’t really matter what compels us to crave the silence with Him. It only matters that we realize the craving and find the silence we need again.

I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord. (Psalm 40:1–3)

I’m sure I will, as a human, fall again into that silent pit. But now that I am aware of the situation, I will make a conscious effort not to cross that border into the desert place.

Now I start each day with a new psalm as I get ready for work. While I am at work, if I am waiting for a file to upload or sitting on hold, I pull up the Bible app on my phone and read or pray.

These sporadic moments throughout my day are like looking forward to a random text message from someone special or seeing that like on my Facebook page. They make me happy—these little reminders that He is thinking of me and loving me.

Then at home in the evenings, after everyone has gone to bed, I have my private time with Him. This is when it gets really intimate. No more teasers. Just true, honest, open, heart-bearing conversation in the intimacy of my private space. I am with Him only, and He is with me. I crawl up into my Father’s lap, wrap up in His arms, and find healing and restoration in His embrace. I fall in love with Him all over again as He reminds me that His love is unchanging and unconditional. The Father gently reassures my frightened heart that He is not going anywhere and that I can count on Him to be with me no matter what!

For God alone I wait—in silence.