Parenting with Influence

Chapter 5

The Parental Shift: The Key to Sanity for All

Influence is the key to completing the parenting journey successfully. Influence is the quality that makes one person intently listen to another. A simple definition might be “the ability to change or affect another person without using direct force or authority.”

So what gives parents influence with their children? Is it the parents’ position within the family hierarchy? Is it their ongoing ability—and willingness—to provide for their children’s needs? What about setting a consistent example of moral excellence? Or is consistency less important than a demonstrated competence in maintaining the home? There is no single component that makes a parent influential with his or her children. Instead, it is a combination of actions and attitudes rooted in the character of the parent and in the relationship that has been fostered with the child.

Think for a moment about the people in your life who have influenced you greatly in a good way. How would you describe your relationship with them? Most of us would respond with words like “genuine,” “open,” “accepting,” “approachable,” or something similar. Whatever descriptive words and phrases come to your mind, they will be positive and express a sense of closeness because influence is based on a relationship. The closer the relationship between two people, the more influence one will have with the other.

But when parents try to use control as the primary means of relating to an older child, it is clear what the future holds for this relationship. A controlling environment will only result in dissention, arguments, accusations, disrespect, and disconnection.

A better path toward having influence with your child—through the teen years and beyond—is investing in your influence. “Investing” is the proper term for developing this kind of a relationship because before you can draw on influence to affect your child, you must make significant relationship deposits. This works best if you make a lot of these deposits in the child’s early years so you both benefit from the growth of your investment over time. That said, if you’re reading this book and have already missed out on opportunities the early years afforded you, be encouraged that it is never too late to begin building a deep, rich, lifelong relationship with your child.

Children are unbelievably forgiving. They want to know the love, acceptance, and approval of their parents. If you currently have a hostile or distant relationship with your child, just know that it may take time to regain his or her trust, but deep inside your child wants it to be good between the two of you. A determined effort on your part is the key to building a bridge of trust that will allow the relationship to heal and grow.