Becoming a Victor!

Almost two years later, I was sitting on the couch holding my baby girl. I felt the tingling behind my right eye, and knew a migraine was near. I felt a little perplexed. I was truly happy. I was holding my little blessing. I wasn’t dealing with any stress.
I heard the words: Please take my advice and write down what you are thinking about, as soon as you feel the migraine approaching.
I placed my daughter in her bassinet.
I grabbed a piece of paper off the printer.
I found a pen in the kitchen drawer.
I sat down and attempted to replay my thoughts.
I was holding my baby.
“She is so beautiful. Look at all that hair. Oh, my precious baby. I will always protect you and keep you from harmful people. You will never be molested. You will never be raped. No family member or friends of the family will ever verbally assault my child. You are worthy of living a full life. You are worthy of love.”
Paper and pen hit the floor, as I stumbled to the restroom to get my medicine. At the time I was on a medicine that came in a form of a strip which melted on your tongue.
I took my medicine and returned to the living room with baby girl. I sat down on the floor and sobbed years of held back tears. See, I had stopped myself from crying a couple of years ago. I was holding all power in my hands. I wouldn’t cry because to me, that meant you allowed someone to harm you.
No one was allowed to get too far into my heart. Tall, indestructible walls were built to keep out trespassers. When the hurtful memories were triggered, I would mentally exhaust myself in playing out scenarios on how and what I should have done. I practice what I would tell my persecutors. They made a once strong, smart girl into a victim. I created detail plans that ensured I would never hurt again. This plan only included what I would do or say.
I had convinced myself that I forgave everyone, but only a fool would forget and fail to prepare!
“And their sins and inequities will I remember no more.” – (Hebrews 10:17, KJV)
See there is a flaw in that thinking. It’s a reason why people say, “Forgiveness is for you, not the other person. When you do not forgive that person, you allow them to continue to hurt you through the constant replay of the pain. It’s like replaying a bad movie over and over. The scene never changes, no matter how many times you replay it. You can work out/ develop conversations to have with your persecutors, and may even be given the chance to tell them about the harm they inflicted upon you. The only problem is this practice does not guarantee immediate gratification or healing.