Un-Deceived

December 19, 2014 Chapter I

My turning point came December, 19th, 2014, the first day of Christmas Break, as I am a teacher by profession. That was the day I came to the end of myself. I was so sick and tired of my life just spinning out of control. Most days I‘m sure I was absent when it came to subjects of the mind. I was there, but not all of me. I was really eager to get off the ‘hamster toy’, so to speak, and out of the caged prison, I had been trapped in for so many years. I was out of control and searching for something to fill the emptiness that I was toiling with.

I was exhausted to the point where I remember having conversations with God and telling God if things didn't change soon please come and get me. On many occasion, I felt like Hannah out of the old testament. Her prayer for a child was so desperate that as she would open her mouth to pray but she didn’t utter a sound. Her mouth was moving but nothing was coming out. My prayers had become just like that. I was tired due to my unnecessary struggles in my attempt to get back to God. I was so lost. I had wandered so far off the path I finally looked up, into heaven and said, “Father how do I get back to you! What do I need to do to see your face again! How do I hear your voice again?” I miss you, Papa. So the Father and I began having these series of conversations. This was the beginning of my search.

Father said, “ You want to know how to see my face again? He said, “ You want to know how to get back to me? Do you want to hear my voice again? Read the letter I sent you. “ There was silence for a moment, then I began to argue and reason with Father whether or not I was gonna do what He asked me to to do. So I said, ‘God I am not reading this bible in King James version from cover to cover.” Now I find myself continuing to argue with the Father and telling him what I’m not going to do. Then there was silence again. Next, I asked, “Father can I read this letter in another translation? “ A moment went by and Father said, “ O.K. “ Finally, like Gideon in the book of Judges chapter 6, when he put out his fleeces and actually began questioning God’s ability. I boldly asked the Father one last question. I asked Him, “Can I read the letter from The Message Bible translation?” He quickly responded, “Yes you may.” So after that 3-5 minute exchanged, that seemed much longer, I began my journey back to Father.

I need you to know even though this conversation was over the decision to begin my journey took another couple of weeks. Even with this conversation it still took me some time to get my mind on board with this quest. Finally, one day during this couple of weeks decision time the Father said something that got my attention because I was wondering what the urgency all about. He said, “Mary until you finish reading I cannot move you to your next level. In fact, I can do nothing until you're done the reading. Father said, “ I want you to read because I need you to know me. I don’t want you to just know about me. I don’t want you to just know your pastors God or your daughters God, or even the God you hear preachers talk about on youtube. Father said I want you to experience me and get to know me for yourself.”

So I turned my back on everything and everyone that kept me from pursuing God the previous four years and I began my quest. I mean I disappeared from sight. Cold turkey. I turned off my cell phone, logged out of my computer, FB was put on hold. I even stopped listening to my worship music and opened up the letter and began reading…In the Beginning, God created…..etc.

The word began to do what no one else was able to do for years. It began to soften a heart that was as hard as stone. I found myself becoming less and less angry. I began to realize my anger stemmed from believing in too many untruths. I wasn’t consumed by my hurts and wounds as much because my focus was redirected. The darkness didn’t seem so dark anymore. The light began to shine brighter and brighter.

I no longer felt the hopelessness, like there was no way out of the prison I had built for myself. I no longer had a ‘what’s the use’ attitude. Suicidal thoughts began to diminish. Faith was beginning to emerge back to the surface. I could envision hope. I even began envisioning hope to the point I was tossing around ideas and trying to figure out ways of escape from this place I was in. Then ultimately, as I began to take hold of truth, my God-given ability to actually find the way out of where I was for so many years was attainable. Not in my own strength but in the strength of the living word of God had to offer.

I dealt with depression for quite some time even after beginning to read. For the next two months, I did not sleep nor eat much. Prior to this appetite loss, I had already lost a total of seventy pounds the unintelligent way; stress, lifestyle, and poor diet. During these two months of downloading the word, the word became my source, the only thing I needed or wanted. The more I read, the more I wanted to read.