In His Hands

Seconds after Bracey’s birth, the room felt melancholy. I had always imagined the feeling of holding my newborn baby on my chest immediately after birth. I couldn’t wait to be the first one he saw and to be the one to warm him and calm him. I couldn’t wait to nurse him and to show him off to all of my family and friends. I couldn’t wait to do all those things, but my plan was not God’s plan. His plans were quite different!

As soon as Bracey made his appearance into the world, he was whisked away. The nurses were working on him. I couldn’t see Bracey. He hadn’t made a sound. The nurses had him on a warmer bed behind me. I had no clue what was going on. It was silent except for the nurses whispering. I didn’t know what they were saying or what was happening behind me. A nurse ran out of the room and quickly returned with a pediatric doctor. I still hadn’t heard or seen my baby. My sister, Alisa, was by my side and I could see the worry in her eyes. Torrey kept stepping away and then returning. He would rub my head and tell me everything was going to be okay. I could not get up nor could I see Bracey. I was an emotional basket-case. I kept asking what was going on but nobody was answering me. They assured me he was breathing and it’s going to be okay. No one knew how to answer me. I saw nurses wiping the tears from their eyes. Quickly after the doctor came in, he and the nurses took my baby out of the room. I told Torrey to go with them. He needed to find out what was going on.

My parents (Kevin and Tina), and my sister (Alisa) came into my room. They were doing their best to console me, but I wanted to know where my baby and husband went. Obviously, I knew something was wrong, but why wouldn’t someone give me answers?

I gave birth at a smaller hospital where the maternity ward was just not prepared for traumatic births, but the nursing staff was great. They came in and checked on me. I could tell they had been crying. They would not tell me anything so they just mainly tried to comfort me, reassuring me everything would be okay. Then they would leave.

Torrey came back in after a few minutes (which seemed like an hour) and I knew he had been crying. My parents kissed me and they along with my sister went back to the waiting room. I could tell he was terribly shaken up but tried so hard to be strong for me. We were alone in the room when he told me about Bracey. He said it took a long time for Bracey to breathe and he was somewhat stable at the moment. I could tell he was fighting back the tears. He tried to explain what was going on.

How do you tell your wife, who had just given birth, that this precious baby she had wanted for so long was going to have to fight for his life? With glossy eyes he went on to tell me Bracey was breathing but would have to be transferred right away. They had made arrangements to transport Bracey to another hospital that was close by and had a NICU. At that point, nobody knew what was wrong with him except that he needed special medical attention, fast. Torrey then started crying. I knew there was more he wasn’t telling me. I held his hands and said, “Please just tell me…what is it?” As Torrey had tears streaming down his face, he took his hands and curled his wrists around his arms. He said Bracey’s hands were curled all around his arms and Bracey did not have any thumbs. I just wept and wept. He said he would like to go with Bracey. I knew that meant leaving me but that is where he needed to be.

Having not seen my baby yet, I asked Torrey if I could please see Bracey before they left. The transport team wheeled Bracey into my room in an incubator. I could see his little face and no more. I could not even touch him. They left along with Torrey and my mother-in-law (Cathy). Although, a few other family members were with me, I still had never felt more alone than I did at that moment.

I immediately began talking to God: “Why God? Why would you allow us to have a baby after so many years of waiting just to take him away? Why would you allow someone so small and precious have to endure something so agonizing? Why are you doing this, God, why? Are you punishing me for my sins? If so, please let me take Bracey’s place. Please make me endure the pain and agony, not my baby boy. What are you trying to show me? Have I not been faithful to you? Please let me see my son again. Please let me hold him and hear his cry, Lord. I will give you all I have, Lord, but please don’t take my baby away.”