Never Wanted; Always Needed

One morning as I drove my country route, I looked at the beauty and the calm around our town after the massive winds we experienced the day before. As I drove I saw many roofs damaged, siding on houses falling off, trampolines mangled, lawn décor ruined, things that once had a place had been uprooted and moved. Blue sunny skies had become a brown fog of dust the night before and it made me reflect on the last few years of my life. If I would have known what I would endure over the next few years I would have told you I was done with life. I would have had no reason to get out of bed, to push forward, to even try when I knew the heartache that was on the horizon. I am blessed I did not know what my future held. We are blessed that we do not know what awaits us around the corner. If we were to know these things many of us would not be able to put one foot in front of the other. We might choose not to live. God is saving us from more stress, confusion, and heartache than we are already enduring. I dreamt of everything my life would entail and become. But after years of trying to meet my expectations and my dreams, I no longer had the energy or the desire to try anymore. I gave every part of my life and dreams to God. There are things I ask God for but I completely trust Him. Whether it goes the way I want or it looks nothing like what I asked for. I trust Him. I have gone from a full fledged planner where when things did not go my way I would pout, get mad, and let it ruin the day and the experience. Now it is good if I even somewhat make it to what was planned or if it somewhat resembles what I had in mind. I am taking life as it comes and trying my best to handle things with grace. I do not always succeed but my goal has been to show God’s grace in the midst of turmoil and heartache. When the world says I have every right to be depressed, to throw in the towel, to be angry, to seek revenge, I am trying to enjoy the things that count and mean something. I am spending less time and effort dwelling on the things I cannot change. My time is not being wasted on things that in the grand scheme of life really do not matter. I have been uprooted these past few years and moved to a different place. It is a place I’ve wanted to get too and I see others at…. but I never imagined these were the things I would have to endure and experience to get there. I have had days where it took everything I had to get out of bed, where I have cried so much I didn’t know how there could possibly be anymore tears left, where my emotions were a rollercoaster, where depression and anxiety took hold of me, and where I pleaded with God to fix it or take it away. As I still struggle with heartache and not understanding certain circumstances. I have learned I am not meant to understand everything but I must embrace it and trust God knows exactly what he is doing! We must embrace our circumstances and our choices in order for each of us to fulfill what God has called us to be! We have to be completely turned back to dust in order to be rebuilt into something so much greater! The majority of the time God far exceeds the expectations and the ways we want or plan for ourselves! It just took more time and looked a different way than we ever imagined!