OVERCOMER

Chapter 6

RELATIONSHIP

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23 NIV)

Relationship is a state of connection between two or more individuals. It can be hard work, but it is usually fulfilling. Looking back, I can see where relationships have affected me both positively and negatively. Positively, because relationship is an important aspect of my life, both spiritually and secularly. Negatively, because, at times, relationships have been a hindrance to my walk with God. Nevertheless, relationship is an integral part of life, whether it pertains to God, family, friends, coworkers, or one’s spouse. Relationship is necessary for growth and health.

As mentioned earlier, I have four brothers and two sisters. I am the second eldest. I grew up in a household with my four brothers and my mother. Growing up, I had a good bond with my brothers. In the early 1990s, I discovered I was a part of a blended family. My father had two daughters that he did not tell me about. I met one of my sisters when she was one year old, and reunited with her when she was eleven years old. I met my other sister, who is the youngest, when she was nine years of age. I was very excited to meet them, considering I always wanted to have sisters.

Growing up, my relationship with my father was amazing. I enjoyed the time we spent together. My father has always been a part of my life; however, I did not share my secrets, my struggles, or my daily encounters with him. He worked hard and ensured that all my daily needs were met. He was not an emotional person. His love was expressed through his provision for the family. Unlike other children, I never got hugs from my dad, so I never had any expectations of him expressing his love to me with hugs and kisses. Nevertheless, I knew he loved me.

My relationship with my mother was very different. She raised me for most of my childhood. She sacrificed a lot for me in making sure I had a good education, and in meeting my daily needs. However, our relationship in my early adult years was more bittersweet. During my adulthood, my mother and I had extended rough patches, where we could not see things through the same lens. This difference of opinion would lead to many disputes. I now realize that I had my mother’s temperament, which was why we saw things differently and were unable to resolve many of our disagreements. Although we bickered, my mother was, and still is, my world. Despite the issues between us, I always felt loved by her. She was never afraid to show me my faults and, at the same time, demonstrate her love for me. My mother was there for me, no matter what trials I encountered. Throughout my illnesses, when pain kept me awake during the night, she was always present at my bedside, either praying or applying warm compress to provide comfort. Nonetheless, I was never comfortable opening up to her about my experiences and my challenges. It was much easier for me to relate my challenges to my friends, simply because I did not want to disappoint her and was not prepared to accept her harsh opinions, discipline, or disappointments. Therefore, I placed rigid boundaries between us.

I am told by my friends that I am an amazing friend. I have always considered myself sensitive to the needs of others, and I frequently go out of my way to assist those in need. I consider myself strong, honest, loyal, trustworthy, caring, and straightforward. I never pretend to have all the answers. I pride myself on being there for friends, whether they are experiencing turmoil, distress, or happiness in their lives. I will go above and beyond for someone I consider my friend. I believe God has gifted me in this area of relationship.

I have come to realize that not everyone that enters my life and claims to be my friend is genuine or is meant to walk with me in certain seasons of my life. There are different categories of friendships. God has revealed to me my confidants, my friends, and my acquaintances. I have been through many betrayals and ups and downs with friends. I have reached a point in my life where I place each person in a category and, in doing so, I minimize my expectations of them.

At times, God has divinely placed friends in my life for a season, to fulfil certain purposes. Then when I become too comfortable in those relationships, things change, forming barriers to my spiritual life. For example, I was a close friend of one of my church leaders, alongside whom I also actively volunteered. Over the course of the friendship, we endured many highs and lows, and the relationship became a kind of support for me. As the nature of our friendship changed and became more one-sided, it impacted my spiritual growth. Looking back, I can see how those leaders were unable to see the most authentic version of me and my potential. The Lord used them in the past, so they saw me as someone who endured certain things, but they did not see my growth. There were many ministry opportunities that came up, and I was overlooked and not seen as a viable candidate. I was seen through my past circumstances and not for who I was becoming. My personal relationship with my leaders provided them with details that became a hinderance to my work in ministry. As I reflect on my friendships, I have come to an understanding that friends can only give what they have, based on the capacity of their experiences. It is important to seek God when choosing friendships. I have also encountered selfish people who have used me for their own gain and self-fulfillment.