Milk Drunk

Dear Aurora,

We are now on day four of the “Potty Train your Toddler in Three Days” method… I totally underestimated how physically demanding this task would be. My lower back is aching from maintaining a catcher’s stance as I stare at your naked bottom for signs of activity. I watch your body as you continually shake your head at the pitches I signal to you. “Don’t you need to go potty? Your body is extra wiggly!” As you waddle around the room, you shake off my signals right before a foul ball lands on the floor. My arms are sore from lifting you on and off the porcelain throne. As you sit on the pot, I feel like David Attenborough while I listen for the telltale splash in the water, “And if we just sit here quietly, we will soon see Aurora pooping on the potty.” While embarrassment comes par for the course with parenting, I have found I now know no limit to the humiliation I will endure to get you to go potty. I found myself making fart noises with my mouth to encourage you to poop. I hovered over your tiny training potty and peed so you would see how cool using the toilet could be. When demonstration and entertainment were not enough, I resorted to bribery. I am positive I will give you a cavity with all the sugary treats you’ve eaten in the bathroom over the last three days. I am convinced my whole house smells like a diaper pail after cleaning up the accidents, changing your pull-ups, and emptying the training potty bowl into the big toilet the entire day. You have even pooped on my lap, and I am now forced to burn one of my favorite pairs of workout pants. Tomorrow we begin day five of the “Potty Train your Toddler in Three Days” method…

Love, Mommy