Saturday, September 22, 2018
I have enjoyed my Saturday morning posts so much. They have been painful at times, but also a reminder of holy moments in my week. I think about how many social media friends I have. Some of you I see weekly, and some of you I have not seen in decades. Some live in foreign countries, but we are kindred spirits. Some of you I only know through mutual friends. Social media is funny that way. We follow someone simply because we have one thing in common...a mutual friend. I think it speaks to our need to connect with others. Maybe we have never met, but something you post might speak to me - so I take the risk and follow you. We desire to know others’ thoughts and opinions. The hard part comes in wading through all of it to find truth. The funny thing is...there is no right or wrong in someone’s story - only the telling of events. The events I have shared over the last seven months have been my story, my perspective, my feelings and my lessons. So no matter how you know me...read with no expectations other than hearing ME!
This week has been full of looking back and looking forward. Both brought new things to my heart. Wednesday was another milestone for me...seven months since Scott’s death. I realized this week that when the 19th of every month hits, my mind goes back to February 19th. Each month has been different parts of THAT day. This month it was his hands. Scott had surgery on the 16th in an attempt to clear the staph out of his shoulder and knee, the two places it had settled and were causing pain. His hands were even more swollen than usual because of the amount of antibiotics they were pumping in him. He told the RN they would probably have to cut his wedding band off of him, but she saw it as a challenge and vigorously worked for ten minutes and walked away the victor. She cleaned it and handed it to me. I started to put it in my purse and Scott said, “No! Don’t put it anywhere we might lose it. Just wear it until I can put it back on.”
I am still wearing his ring. He had little stubby hands and I loved the way they fit perfectly in mine. I looked down at my left hand on Wednesday morning, seeing my band and his fit securely together on my finger and remembered those last hours in the ICU. I kissed him over and over again, but more than anything, I held his hand. I knew in a few hours I would not be able to touch him anymore, much less feel our fingers intertwined so perfectly. So all morning, I grieved the loss of his touch. - his tangible touch but, also the touch of his words and his heart.
September 19th moved on to things that life just brings, but as I looked at my hand all day long...I was thankful for the reminder to touch others. God took captive my thoughts and moved them from hurt to inspiration.
The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the spirit is life and peace.
My looking forward came with the monster labeled “WORRY.” I have stepped into some new and scary things. My need to plan everything and control everything gives me a false assurance. The thing is...planning does not give peace. I was reading about this false assurance in my devotion time and kinda treating it as another reminder, when God hit me with a “right now” life illustration. I reached to pick up my carefully placed coffee cup and knocked it over, spilling my coffee dosed with vanilla caramel creamer onto my new rug. The same coffee cup that, every morning, I am so careful to place strategically away from Phoebe’s grasp or too close to my clumsy appendages. My coffee has this perfect place on the table beside the couch. This sweet nectar comforts as I read, journal and commune with God. As I jumped with lightning speed to quickly clean it up, I thought about all the time I took to pick out the rug and trying to remember if it was stain resistant. Then...I had to laugh out loud. All my planning to pick out a perfect rug or strategically place my cup didn’t matter because...LIFE will bring the UNEXPECTED no matter how well I plan. God did not create me to figure it out ahead of time. He created me to ask him about everything as it comes my way. Trust is where my peace comes from.
The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.
A man’s steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?
Each week is full of teachable moments and I am learning to notice them. I sit in God’s classroom every day and try to focus. At times, I am distracted by what is going on around me, but when I truly connect, his lessons open my eyes.
My Friends...you are not just “social media friends.” You are my people. Take time to connect with God, those around you, and the lessons you can so easily miss if you’re too busy planning.