An Ultimatum for God

The next day the images of that gruesome beast that kept popping into my head. But each time I fought hard to put them out of my mind. That evening I asked Rob if he heard me scream during the night. He said, “No.”

Now, I ask you, “How is that possible? How can I be in a dream where there is loud music, loud talking, creaking stairs, crying and growling, and I am the only one that hears it? How is it possible that my loud scream was not heard by my husband, who was less than one foot away?”

After Rob’s reply of “No,” I paused and took a deep breath. I realized that all of the nightmares, frustration and despair over the last six months were mine and mine alone. It was all inside me, constantly churning my insides and slicing through my mind - everyday. It had taken over my life. Moreover, I had let it take over my life and keep me frozen in an enraged state, while the world around me continued on.

It was May 2004 and every day you could feel summer getting closer. Summer is my favorite season and I wanted to enjoy it. I wanted to put the nightmares behind me, begin healing from my father’s death, and start enjoying the time with my husband and kids again. So, I was even more determined now to make the bad dreams stop. I decided that I didn’t want to talk to a psychiatrist because I just wanted the ordeal to immediately end. I didn’t want to analyze and re-live the nightmares all over again. I made a decision that evening that I would reach down deep in myself, pull out all the courage I could and accept my father’s death, not let one more bad dream affect me and move forward. Amen. I drew a star on the calendar that night, marking that day I made that important decision – Saturday, May 29, 2004.

That night the dream of all dreams visited.

I dreamt about my daughter, Alison’s, five-year-old birthday party that would be taking place two days later on Monday. Ali was born on May 31, 1999, which was Memorial Day in 1999 and now again in 2004. We were having my family and Rob’s over for a barbecue, complete with outdoor games and a ‘Power Puff Girls’ piñata.

In my dream, however, we were having this party in a different house with a different backyard. The yard in my dream had a flat, manicured, fenced-in lawn with an in-ground swimming pool. My real-life backyard had quite a few large rocks (boulders really), went up on a slope into woods, and did not have a fence or pool.

In the dream, we were all having a great time enjoying the perfect weather, catching up and comparing summer plans. After we ate, I brought the cake outside and called everyone together to sing Happy Birthday to Ali. But, where was Ali? I didn’t see her running around playing hide-and-seek with her cousins. I looked in the house and I called for her. No answer. Panic started to take over my body…first slowly, then more and more quickly and intense. Everyone was now running around looking for her. It was her eight-year old cousin, Christopher, who found her in the pool – at the bottom.

I screamed! But, this time, the scream did not wake me up.

Rob jumped into the pool and pulled Ali out.

My brother called 9-1-1.

I screamed again! I did not wake up.

I was on my knees holding Ali, looking at her beautiful, china-doll-like looks. I was in shock and the scene was surreal. It was unreal. I held her nose, blew into her mouth, pushed her chest, and kept trying to get her to breathe.

The paramedics then took over. The paramedics then pronounced her dead.

I screamed, “NO!!!” That woke me up.

I screamed “NO!!!” again. That woke up Rob.

A third, “NO!!!” That woke up all three of my children.

Rob turned toward me. I wasn’t looking at his face, but I felt his eyes. They had a strong stare and after a few moments I knew they weren’t letting go of their hold, so I completed the required “tongue-to the-roof of mouth sucking click and deep sigh,” then I turned and met his eyes.

He gently asked, “Are you okay?”

“I had another bad dream,” I replied without any emotion, as I was too drained to express any.

Ali was still in her bed, but crying and calling out for me. As I got out of bed and walked to her room I was comforted by her screechy, little girl cries because they told me she was alright.

I gave her a big, long hug and a big kiss on the forehead.

“I’m going to check on Kristen and Danielle and I’ll be right back.” I told her. With the back of her hand she wiped her nose and then her eyes (yes, unfortunately in that order, but happy to say, no resulting ‘pink eye’ that time) and nodded her head in agreement. After I knew Kristen and Danielle were also okay and falling back to sleep, I laid down next to Ali. Within minutes she was asleep – safe, beautiful, and alive – breathing softly. I, on the other hand, tried to close my eyes, but physically couldn’t. My eyes only wanted to keep looking at Ali…forever.