Finding Joy in the Broken Pieces

I did a great job at addressing every other area of pain that peaked its ugly head. Fear, check. Trust, check. Belief, check! You get the picture. I was busy checking every soul box while avoiding the giant neon sign that flashed inside of my heart reading, FORGIVENESS needed here! One night I was getting the kids ready for bed, alone again! No, not because my husband wouldn’t help me but because he couldn’t. This new position the Army had given him as amazing as it was ran operations in shift form. Every four months Thomas would spend five weeks working nights and sleeping though the day. As I tucked my kids in they started the normal list of negotiations to bid for more time. I once heard my friend mention that putting small children to bed feels a lot like a reverse hostage situation. As the parent, we are begging them to stay in their beds while they list off needed items to accept staying. Oh parenthood what a journey you are! After a few trips to the bathroom, sips of water, cracking and re-cracking the doors for light amount everyone was finally settled. I went downstairs and started to clean the meal prep area where I had constructed all three meals and snacks for my husband before leaving for shift. Thomas’ job was highly classified and all meals had to be taken into the area for the duration of his shift. GEEZ, I’m tired just thinking about this season of my life. Now I’m excited if I know by four o’clock what’s for dinner that night! After cleaning I walked back upstairs to find my daughter was still awake in bed. I slowly cracked the door making sure not to wake anyone else. Once inside I could tell she was in deep thought. “What you doing?” I asked. “Just thinking”, she replied. “Well, what are you thinking about?” This can be a scary question to start off with a six year old that is potentially bidding for more awake time. She gained a very serious look on her face, looked me square in the eyes and said, “mama, do bad people who make bad choices and hurt people go to heaven too?” Why couldn’t she have just asked for another sip of water!!! I sat for a second feeling the weight of her question and knowing the real reason she was asking. I took a few deep breaths. “Well baby, if they love Jesus, believe in God and ask him for forgiveness before they die then well yes baby, yes they do. How does that make you feel?” In her tender voice and excitement she quickly responded, “that’s good!!! As long as Jesus is there then I don’t care if bad people are there too.” My heart could’ve exploded seeing her love for Jesus outshine any worldly distraction or emotion. We exchanged our goodnight kisses for the fifth time and I left the room. Leaving my daughters bedroom I didn’t make it far before leaning up against the wall with uncontrollable tears. Because of my lack of forgiveness I couldn’t claim the same bold declaration as my child. Into the night sky I whispered, “God, I don’t want to be in the same place as him, not even if it means heaven.”