Spirit, Lead Me

“Grandpa’s in his room if you want to talk to him. He’s a little out of it, he asked the neighbor kid for some whisky this afternoon,” Dawnette’s eyes get big, making a silly face and she looks at Cayleen, laughing a hearty laugh that makes Cayleen smile on the inside as well as on her face.

Hunter walks back toward the bedrooms.

Cayleen stands in the kitchen with Dawnette. “How is grandma holding up?” knowing Dawnette’s mother has been struggling with various stages of Alzheimers over the past years. Cayleen has overheard stories of grandma going to various grocery or department stores getting lost and distraught.

“Well, her mind’s not so good. Dad has been taking care of her somewhat. Then the past few weeks his cancer got so bad. Cousin Sue Ellen has been coming over to help with mom and hospice has been here caring for dad. Sissy is looking into a home in Spring Forks for Alzheimers after dad passes.” Dawnette looks at the table where sugar, creamer and her own coffee mug sit. “Do you want some coffee? Or water? Round me, I’m always drinking coffee, doesn’t matter what time of day!” Dawnette gives a slight chuckle with a silly toothy grin.

“I’ll have coffee, thank you. I can get it though. Are the cups here?” Cayleen opens a cupboard.

“Yep, you found ‘em. Do you want some sugar?” Dawnette always has sweet coffee.

“Sure, thank you,” Cayleen puts a spoonful into her own mug of very black coffee. “And how are you holding up?” Cayleen asks gently.

“It’s tough, Cay,” Dawnette’s eyes fill with tears, but none spill. “Watching dad die. He was diagnosed with cancer after me,” Dawnette’s eyes meet Cayleens. Dawnette continues, still serious, “Makes me think about that I thought I would go first. And that’s scary.” On her last word, she nearly whispers.

Cayleen has no words. She holds Dawnette’s gaze. She feels emotion which she thinks is empathy wash over her from her shoulders through her body. Cayleen is unfamiliar with burden bearing or the fact that a person can actually feel another person’s emotions. All she knows is that she is and always has been empathetic. Very empathetic.

Dawnette continues, “You know when I showed you all that bank information, and passwords, you know where all my stuff is in my house?” Several weekends ago, Hunter and Cayleen had visited Dawnette at her house for the entire day. During that time they had talked about bank information, possible vacations, possible horseback rides for Dawnette, who the neighbors were and they even went for a drive in Hunter’s truck. Hunter and Dawnette talked about possible hunting spots for the next season for Hunter.

Cayleen remembers. Dawnette had made Cayleen promise she would be there for Hunter when Dawnette dies. Dawnette is leaving Hunter in charge of her estate. Hunter’s older brother had used Dawnette’s credit cards to purchase things and sell for drugs and alcohol in the past; Hunter’s younger sister lived out of state.

Cayleen had promised; empathy over Dawnette’s circumstances overcoming the small feeling on the inside of her making her wonder if she could keep the promise. The still small voice resounding within her not to make such a promise. Don’t do it! It had been so long since she’d heard the voice, she didn’t recognize it and dismissed it.

Dawnette continues walking to the other side of the trailer’s small kitchen and leaning against the counter, coffee cup cradled in her hands, “I don’t know how Hunter’s going to handle it. I don’t know how he’s going to deal with me passing and then have to do all the things for the estate. Of the kids, Hunter is the most responsible,” Dawnette shakes her head. “I just don’t know how he’s gonna do it. Cay,” Dawnette looks at Cayleen intently, gently touching her arm, “you gotta be there.” Dawnette’s grasp on Cayleen’s arm intensifies, her eyes pleading.

“I will,” Cayleen answers, emotion in her voice and welling in her eyes, promising for a second time with surety in her words and mind. Against the voice inside telling her, Don’t do it!

Hebrews 4:6 So God’s rest is there for people to enter, but those who first heard this good news failed to enter because they disobeyed God.