Brokenness Is a Beautiful Word

The housekeeper lady was named Linda and she was a drinker, too. She welcomed me in and we proceeded to drink all the beer in 2 counties. I was in so much pain over my baby I tried to numb my heart for what I was about to do. The loss of my baby and the dreams I had of tiny clothes and car seats. Craig. Craig, why? Hadn’t I loved him with all of me? Wasn’t love enough? But, no, love was not enough. You can’t live on pork-n-beans and love. I was not going to have my 2nd chance baby. Nobody wanted me. I had no money. I had no place to live. How could I take care of a child, too? I cried and cried and drank and drank. I was crushed. I had trusted Craig and he had tossed us in the trash. What did the future look like for me? I was rejected and lost. I called out to God to give me the strength I would need to go on. Surely I would die from a broken heart. After all that had happened with Collin I broke down. I had no life to offer my 2nd chance baby. I was without hope again. All that joy was ripped from me. I slid deep down a hole. I rubbed my little stomach and tried to find the words to apologize. What happened? How did I go so wrong? The beer had no effect on the pain. It would be a long night. I cried and cried all alone.
When morning came and it was just getting light my grandmother and my aunt pulled up. I didn’t want to have an abortion. I was in the back seat with the door open puking all the way down interstate 285. I didn’t want to abort my baby, my 2nd chance baby. I fantasized about what a good mother I would be. There would be nobody around to take the baby. I would have the pink slip, a child that was free and clear. I wouldn’t make the same mistakes.
I had a crushing hangover. We sat in the waiting room until they called my name. I foltlowed the nurse to the back. I was going to have a sonogram. I had never had a sonogram before. I laid on the table and looked at the screen. I saw a perfect baby. This was no blob or wadded up flesh. I looked and counted all the fingers and toes. I screamed and became hysterical. I ran through the clinic and the waiting room straight to the parking lot. My grandmother and my aunt came out to see what had went so wrong. I was standing in the rain. It soaked my hair and my clothes and I was crying so hard I couldn’t speak. I took a deep breath and said,” I saw the baby! I saw the baby!” I pleaded with them that some women had children by the litter, surely I could have just one! I could not stop crying. I stood in the rain in that parking lot and swore I would clean toilets, I would do anything and everything to keep my baby! Grandmother said they told her that I was 4 months pregnant and they could not help me there anyway. She said she had 1,500 dollars in her pocket and that we would do whatever I decided. She was talking about the abortions for women that were past 3 months. They induce labor and you deliver a baby that’s not fully developed. I said I wanted to keep my baby.
I had no idea how I was going to survive for 5 more months. I went to the people that loved me and hung my head. I showed up at Gail and Ryles front door with nothing but a small suitcase and a plea. It took everything I had to knock on that door. It had been 10 years since I had seen her. I wasn’t used to asking for help. What I suffered from was shame. There I was pregnant, unmarried, an alcoholic, a drug addict and a stripper. I was afraid and I said a prayer. The fear was overwhelming. What was I gonna do with us? Craig rejected and abandoned us both. But there wasn’t anything I wasn’t willing to do to keep my baby. They took me in and I got busy. First thing I did was apply for a welfare check. I could only get 96 dollars in food stamps till the baby was born. I got on Medicade, got an OB/GYN and a bottle of pre-natal vitamins. I signed up for the Women’s Infants and Children’s Program. I could get eggs, blocks of cheese and a couple of gallons of milk every month. Gail and I used to get a kick out of showing up for doctor appointments in her Mercedes sedan.
At Gail’s house there was always church on Sunday. That first Sunday I hit my knees. I bowed humbly before the Lord and laid my life on the alter. I asked for forgiveness for the sins I remember and the ones I forgot. I broke down and surrendered my life to the Lord. My brokenness was a beautiful word. I pleaded to Him. I called out to Him. I hung my head in shame and asked for forgiveness for the alcohol and the cocaine. I made a covenant with Him. If He would just let my baby be born healthy I would never dance again. I would never do cocaine again. I would live for Him. I would serve Him forever. I would be the best mother in the world. God was my way out! I thanked Him for rescuing me! I got a new bible and began to read God’s words. I knew when God closes one door He opens another!
Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, Who’s sin is covered. Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, and whose spirit there is no deceit. I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said,” I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” And You forgave the iniquity of my sin.
(NKJV) Psalm 32:1,2,5
I quit dancing. I quit drinking. I quit drugs. I quit smoking. I even quit cussing. I could feel the shame leaving my heart.