Boundary Warrior

The boundary crossing itself, one person to another or one person crossing his or her own personal boundary, is merely the surface dynamic, the tip of the iceberg. So, when you’re analyzing a boundary crossing, it isn’t enough to ask, “What happened?” and “Where did you let your boundary collapse?” per se. It’s more relevant to ask, “Why did you let it happen? How did that person appeal to your sinful nature? How and why was he or she able to seduce or entice you? What kept you from ultimately saying no and establishing the boundary? What was the true hook?” Most will answer with “I didn’t want to hurt their feelings,” “I wanted to make them happy,” or “I was just being nice, or I didn’t want to disappoint them.” But this is all code for “I needed their approval. I wanted their attention. I liked the f lattery and didn’t want it to stop. I felt I owed it to them because they were nice to me, and they are someone of special status in my mind. I was afraid they would reject me.” It’s a sign of maturity when we can acknowledge and combat the deeper forces that prevent healthy boundary adherence and practices.

On a side note, there’s always an exception to the rule. In extreme cases of severe abuse, be it verbal, emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual, fear is usually the dominant force that allows the boundary crossing. Sadly, in cases such as these, the victim is truly a victim, merely trying to survive and hopefully find a way out. The purpose of this book is to address how to manage boundaries around lesser extreme situations, situations you encounter often, which are avoidable and correctable on an everyday basis. As you consider your boundaries, embrace being a Boundary Warrior and set off to win the boundary war. Consider this metaphor a dear friend shared with me.

The male lion cub stays with his pride of birth until he is three years of age. At age three the lion, now fully grown and capable of hunting, he leaves his pride and roams the desert plains as the Nomad Lion. He is alone. During this time, he continues to sharpen his skills and grow in strength. By living alone, having to fend for himself, he quickly realizes his strengths and his weaknesses. He develops his own identity becoming a master of his environment. This can take years as one by one he must overcome his weaknesses. When the Nomad Lion thinks he has reached the point of full maturity, he looks to rule a pride of his own. His skills, years in the making alone on the plains, are put to the test. After studying numerous prides, he carefully chooses the pride he wants to lead. Next, he challenges the Alpha Lion of this pride in a bloody battle. It’s the Nomad versus the Alpha showdown. In due time, the Nomad Lion defeats the Alpha and assumes the position as new Alpha, king of his own pride.

This original pride symbolizes the time of your life when your flesh ruled over your spiritual nature, representing your weak boundaries. It’s you as a child—naïve, dependent, ignorant—living solely by the flesh. The point at which the lion leaves his original pride and becomes the Nomad Lion symbolizes the moment in your life when you decided you wanted more for yourself. You wanted to grow. You wanted to walk in the Spirit, demonstrate healthy boundaries, and defeat the flesh, yet you knew you still had much to learn; as such, you needed time alone in the desert.

This time represents a period of deep spiritual ref lection, introspection, ref lection, personal growth, and trial and error. It’s the period when you solidify your values and boundaries, determined to live your life accordingly. It symbolizes a time where you’re alone, without a pride, transforming through the process of individuation and answering the questions Who am I? What am I made of? What do I stand for?

It’s a lonely time for the Nomadic Lion, often fraught with fears and self-doubt, but it’s a necessary experience for him to achieve full maturity. It’s necessary for him to develop an intimate relationship with God, necessary for him to test himself, necessary for him to find himself, and necessary for him to know himself and, even more so, know the world on an intimate level without the protection of his original pride. It’s a time when he must stand alone and say to the world, “Accept me or accept me not. Here I am. Here I won’t conform. Here I won’t make any apology for who I am. Here I won’t waver on my values. Here I will stand in agreement with God. Take it or leave it.”

It’s a point of total self-acceptance and complete agreement with God. It’s a period of full exposure and vulnerability. It’s a period of self-discovery, a mixture of failures, fears, excitement, and victory. The Nomad Lion must adapt to his environment to survive. He must submit to nature and change. He must shift from dependence to independence. He must mature, or else he dies.