Stones of Remembrance

The Bell
There is a bell that hangs on the wall in the chemo room. Patients get to ring this bell when all their rounds of chemo are completed. They ring the bell with such glee and joy. Chemo is finished and life can carry on. I hate that bell. I know that sounds foolish but I really, really, really hate that bell. The doctors told me the second time my breast cancer returned that it had metastasized to my bones and lymph system and so it was incurable. I will never get to ring it unless God chooses to do a miracle. Instead I sit in the chemo room and stare at the bell and smile when others ring it. Some days I want to take the bell and throw it out the closest window and other times it takes all I have to not go up and ring it and ring it some more. I am not sure if I would be ringing it in hope or defiance. Such foolishness but I hate hearing that bell ring. I smile, cheer and clap when someone else rings the bell but inside I hurt. The bell makes me angry and I sit and ask God why. Why not me? Why? I am sure that everyone can relate to something in their life they have wanted to do so badly but can't. It may be a foolish desire but it is part of who we are.
I am generally a happy person and enjoy the accomplishments and joys of others. What does surprise me at times is the anger, envy and hurt that can swamp me when I hear that annoying bell ring. In my head I want to be happy for the person but not always in my heart. Several people that I know have also faced cancer over the last few years. They have gone through the tests or treatments and all has come out fine. Part of me rejoices for them but there is a small part of my heart that hurts and questions why God has provided healing for them but not me.
I do not want to think about the anger because it is hard to admit that my heart can be so ugly. I wanted to be truly happy and thankful along with these people. Many women that I know have had breast cancer like myself . I see them and their cancer has not returned. They seem to go merrily on with life as if they have no cares. Without a miracle, I never will.

At first I ignored the feelings and convinced myself that I was being silly but I was angry and hurt. I was angry at God. I was angry that these people were fine and I wasn't. Yikes. When people share their wonderful news of being cancer free, I think of the long, dark tunnel ahead of me. More drugs, more tests, more scans, more, more and just more pain. It will only stops when I leave this place to meet Jesus. The anger brings more questions. God why do you heal some people but not me? God do you love these people more than me? What have I done to deserve this? Why? Why? Why? It is not fair. I hate myself for feeling like this.
Each time I would ask God why, He would answer with the verse 2 Corinthians 12:9. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." I may be a little slow at times but I finally realized that God was answering my cry but just not how I expected or wanted. God's answer was that His grace would be enough for whatever lay ahead. I had the choice to accept that this was the road that God had laid out for me to walk for now or to sit and continue feeling sorry for myself. Not accepting the journey God has for me is a useless waste of time and would only open a door to bitterness that I do not in my life.