I’m Tired & I Need a Nap
A Tactical Survival Guide for New and Expecting Parents
by
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Parenting Survival Tip # 54: Know for certain that words have double, triple, quadruple meanings.
Honey Badger climbed up on my bed and turned on the television. I wasn't paying attention.
He then asked, "Momma. Who is that chocolate guy?"
I must admit, I turned my head expecting to see a man of the same complexion as my husband. Nope, there was no dark-skinned chocolate man on the screen. Instead, I was looking at a very pale Johnny Depp.
"That's Willy Wonka son."
Carry on.
~~*~~
Captain A: I can't find my light stick. Mom! Don’t drive! I can’t find my blue glow stick!
Me: Calm down. I'm stopped. Unbuckle and search for it. It glows son. It’s dark in here. You can find it.
Captain A: (frantic now... standing up in his car seat... ready to cry) I can't find it momma. It's gooonnnee!
Me: Son, I think your pants are glowing. Your backside... It's glowing blue. Why is it even in your…No. Don't tell me. Never mind. I don't want to know.
~~*~~Parenting Survival Tip # 60: Run! It’s an emergency this time.
From the bedroom down the hall..
.Captain A: Awesome! B-Dubya! Your frog is playing dead!
[This doesn’t bode well.]
~~*~~Parenting Survival Tip # 63: Sometimes you’ll regret asking questions out loud. Ask anyway.
As I was getting ready for service this morning I had this nonchalant conversation…
Me: It sure would be nice if I knew where my black tights were.
Captain A: The last time I wore them, I took them off and put them on your bed.
#LifeOfASuperHeroMom
#GuessOneSizeDOESFitAll
#LifeWithBoys
~~*~~Parenting Survival Tip # 68: Cherish your spouse. Without whom, it could have been you.
Pulling over in the car… Three minutes.
Hearing your son whine that he needs go "frow up"... Four minutes.
Unbuckling the car seat... Thirty seconds.
Seeing the look on your husband's face when he’s standing outside, willing to help, and the child announces he doesn't need to "frow up," but rather needs to poop in the leaves on the side of the road...
PRICELESS.
~~*~~Day 28
So, I've got a plethora of ridiculous things my husband and myself have had to say to our boys, and here's an abbreviated list:
Not happening. You don’t need a snorkel to take a shower.
Quit licking the couch.
Who left the number 4 in my fridge?
Stop breathing on each other in public.
Yeah the ants are mad, wouldn’t you be mad if a giant peed on your house?
Stop licking your brother.
Don’t pee in the toilet at the same time, you’ll end up peeing on each other.
Well that’s what happens when you let people stand on your head.
No, Captain America doesn’t need a bath.
Pee in the grass, not on people’s tires.
Stop wearing the chair on your head.
You can’t lick your hands clean. Go wash them… With soap.
Explain to me why you pooped in the yard instead of in the house.
Underwear aren’t ninja masks. Neither are pull ups.
How did you forget that you cut your hair???
Yes. You have to wear shorts outside, we have neighbors.
Stop putting your rear on people.
Well if you hadn’t thrown the frog, that wouldn’t have happened.
Don’t make the piggy banks fight.
Stop beating your brother with a minion.
Dude, you have got to stop getting naked at other people’s houses.
Quit drawing rear ends on the door.
Get out of the bathroom. Take your egg with you.
We’re done with this rave party. Put your light sabers away.
No, Michael Jackson didn’t marry Lena Horn.
Penguins… Penguins live in Antartica. Not pagans. Read it again.
Take a moment and soak this information in. Re-read that list.
Twice. And then remind yourself that you’re not a failure as a person. Don’t second guess yourself. It’s not you. It’s them.
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About the Book
This book is the unpolished view into the life of one little family in the South. The words are an honest reminder as to why some animals eat their young and why all parents pray for sudden lightning or magic fairy dust to render spontaneous combustion possible at least once a day until all their children move away. It is also kept as a meticulous record by one Southern momma—a diary of all the reasons she prays her grandchildren turn out just like her own precious offspring.
About the Author
What gives me the right to assume that anyone would read my words? Simply this, I’m surviving parenthood, and I am bold enough to be honest about that. I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m the most qualified author, nor even the perfect person to write a “how to” book for any audience. But that is exactly why I am compelled to write. We need honest voices encouraging us from the sidelines. “I’m imperfect! It’s sheer grace of the Father that anyone in this house is still breathing! I survived this! You can too! Don’t give up! It’s worth the fight! You’re coming around the final bend!” I’m a mom of four, a wife, an artist. I love the little details that make life worth living, and the sticky little fingerprints that remind me why every single day matters. This is a glimpse into our smudged windows, shining hope to others families. May we all have the audacity to be honest, and grace to help others with a bit of encouragement.