End of the Robe

I’m gonna do it Sienna thought to herself as she pushed back in the chair. Standing up with no expression on her face, she turned to walk toward the hallway leading to her room. In the corner of her teary eyes she could see the nurses at their stations quickly working. They appeared to be unaware of Sienna’s broken heart. What were they so busy with that they couldn’t see she was hurting? They don’t care about me. Sienna was just another name on the charts.

She glanced over at the common area where other patients sat. It was a large extended room with lots of couches and tables with chairs. It was the hospitals way of attempting to make the place a little homey but not to the affect that patients felt overly comfortable. Two exercise bikes sat in front of the extra-large windows that overlooked a parking lot. A few patients were mingling with other patients. One gentleman was pacing around the chairs responding to external stimuli as he conversed with an unseen entity. Some stared off into the distance fixated on a vision that transpired beyond the pale walls. Other patients sat watching TV having no clue of Sienna’s internal battle.

It was a feeling of rejection that came over Sienna just as it always had. Sienna felt as if she were being swallowed up in a blanket of hopelessness. She couldn’t breathe. At no fault of anyone around her, it was just a demon that Sienna had faced all her life and had lost the fight almost always. The world is oblivious to me. She had reached her breaking point. It is never going to get better.

As she walked down the vacant hallway Sienna was engulfed in emptiness. The floor felt icy cold beneath her feet. Walking slowly past each room Sienna continued her straight expressionless gaze. She had become stuck on what she was about to do. But how would she do it? Pete, one of the hospital staff walked out of a patient room with his clipboard in hand. He was doing his 15 minute patient status rounds. Pete and Sienna made eye contact but Sienna couldn’t bring herself to reach out for help. She kept walking.

When Sienna reached her room loneliness really began to take full effect. She was truly alone. She walked towards her bed and was immediately drawn to the robe that lay across it. I’ll hang myself. Sienna grabbed the robe and walked back toward the door to her room and looked out into the hallway. She looked to the left and then to the right. It was as empty as she was. Sienna quietly closed the door. She knew no one would come into her room; after all she didn’t have a roommate. Pete had just completed his patient checks for that side of the ward. No one should be around for at least 15 minutes Sienna whispered to herself.

Sienna walked into her bathroom with her robe in her hand and stood in the center of the bathroom. The bathroom was dimly lit and cold. There wasn’t a single hook in the wall. She looked at the door. It was a tall door. It was her answer. She wanted to make sure the robe was sturdy enough to hold her large framed body so she flung the robe over the top of the door and pushed it shut. As Sienna pulled on the robe it slid right through the crack. It’s not gonna hold.

Frustrated, Sienna stood there looking at the robe that had just fallen through. Then it came to her. She would have to tie a knot. Sienna grabbed the end of the robe and tied it into a double knot. As she opened the bathroom door once again, she dared not look over into the mirror. The mirror would only reflect her as a failure, as someone not worth loving. Swoosh. Sienna flung the knotted robe over the door then closed it. Just as before, she pulled on the robe, this time with all her might to ensure that it was strong enough to hold her. And it was.

“How am I going to do this?” Sienna asked herself aloud as she looked up at the robe hanging over the door. The door was quite tall and there was no feasible way she could accomplish what she wanted to do, or so she thought. She looked around the bathroom and caught sight of the trashcan. Sienna picked up the trashcan and after momentarily studying it she flipped it over. Maybe I can stand on this she pondered. She placed the trashcan next to the door directly under the hanging robe and stood on top of it. Silence filled the bathroom. It was quiet, too quiet. Sorrow once again overflowed Sienna’s heart as she stood on top of the trashcan. How had it come to this? Sienna lifted the robe and tried to put her head through the opening of the cutoff sleeve. My head’s too big. Great! Not only did Sienna struggle with a poor self-image but now she was blatantly reminded of it in the worse way. “I can’t even hang myself because my head is too big.” Tears began to stream down her cheeks. It wasn’t fair. Why does life suck so bad?

Then, Sienna had a thought. She grabbed the sleeve and ripped it with her teeth. Pulling with her hands and her teeth in opposite directions the robe began to rip even more. The opening was now big enough. She slipped her head through. Sienna grabbed the robe around her neck and held it tight. She leaned forward with the robe securely around her neck. Pull. Pull. Pull. She leaned back and forth pulling as hard as she could. Ignoring the pain now inflicted on her throat she pulled harder. She needed to make sure it was tight enough to hold her. She needed to make sure that it wouldn’t rip.

Realizing what she was about to do, Sienna did the only thing she knew to do. She lifted her head and in a desperate plea for help she cried out, “God I don’t want to do this, but I want to.” She covered her face with her hands. “In the last moments will You forgive me? Will You let me come to You?” Sienna was overwhelmed. “Please help me. Oh, God please send someone to help me.”

A rush of tears continued to flow down Sienna’s face. She was sobbing. Her body began to shake as she stood there on top of the trashcan. It could all be over in seconds. “I hate myself! I hate my life!” Sienna blurted out.

Her mind was completely void of any consequences that could result of her actions. A thick and tangible darkness hovered over her. Sienna wasn’t alone. She was being swallowed alive. Sienna had attempted suicide before and failed. This time she would get it right. Sienna Andrews wanted out and this was the only way to do it.

Sienna’s head hung low. She was desperate. As she stood on the trashcan she heard an evil voice rising up within her. Sienna was beside herself and not fully aware that a demonic spirit had assumed control of the situation.

“Do it, do it, do it!” the evil voice had commanded.

Sienna could not unfix her gaze from the wall in front of her. Her eyes began to cross-over as she stared blankly at the wall.

When people are on the verge of death they often say their life flashed before their eyes. What did they see? Did they see a life they wish they had? Were they reminded of their loved ones? Were they full of remorse and regret? Did everything they realize they would never have flash before their eyes? What did they see?

Sienna saw darkness. She was reminded of nothing but all her failures. There was no sense of love. There was no hopeful future. There was only heartache. As the evil voice began to increase in its insistence that Sienna do it she began to cry out herself, “Do it! Do it! Do it!”

Sienna was beyond hopeless. Life had failed her. Hope had fled on wings to a distant land. She was in a dark haze and could not see past her hurt and pain. Sienna began to cry all the more. She closed her eyes. This was it. It had to be done.