Real Life

Thankfulness

I am someone who thrives on tradition. I like “annual” events. The holidays are typically a fabulous time for me because they are based on tradition. One of my favorite Christmas traditions was to receive a handmade ornament each year from my Grandma. Tucked inside was a ten dollar bill. I still have every ornament she made. I did not know that at 18, that tradition ended. That year I sat watching my sisters unwrap their handmade ornaments while I opened one from Hallmark. I was crushed. I said, “I don’t want that one, I want one that she made.” My mom immediately gave me a lecture, yes at age 18, on being grateful for what I was given and I was mad. I tried to explain, “I don’t even care if there’s money inside, I just want one that she made, it’s more special.”

I know that my mom wanted me to be thankful for any gift that I had been given. She was trying to remind me that a gift should not come with expectations. There is some truth to her lesson. However, “at least being happy for what I was given” was not true thankfulness at heart. It was a cheap version that would only have reflected my disappointment.

This past spring, Nate lost his job. We spent the summer living on one salary. “It was rough” seems like an understatement. But, we thought we were on the upswing when late in the summer Nate was given a teaching job. We felt blessed. However, that fall we spent September dealing with a near flood due to all the rain we had. October was spent paying for a broken water main. November began a series of frustrating financial circumstances with my job. December found us knowing that Nate will again be looking for a new job next year due to staffing cuts.

I find myself very much in the same place as that Christmas when I was 18. I have a bad attitude. I have not been appreciative or thankful for God’s blessings in the past few months. My prayers seem to be grudging concessions about God’s mercy. “Well God, at least we only had to prepare for a flood. We didn’t actually have to go through it.” Or, “Ok God, at least you left us some money in our bank account.” “Thank you Lord, at least the school has only taken the health savings money and the pension money; the paychecks haven’t gone…yet.” “It’s 30 degrees below zero and I’m cold, but at least we still have a semi-warm house.” My heart is weary. I do not want to-and cannot-keep living this way.

A few years ago self-help books were extremely popular. While there may be some value to them, I hesitate to think that there are 3, 5 or 7 easy steps to take to clean out this decaying heart. This is one of those times that consciously choosing joy or choosing thankfulness is necessary. This is not a several step process; it is more like flipping a switch. I have chosen to recite Psalm 100 with my students these past few weeks as they learn it. Every time I say it, I am reminded that I can choose to be truly thankful and let God begin cleaning out my heart, or I can keep bearing the load. If you have a heart like mine that is need of some cleaning up, choose a passage like Psalm 100 to recite and remember. Little by little God will take your choice and flip the switch of your heart.

Psalm 100 says, “Shout for joy to the Lord all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and we are his. We are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good; his love endures forever. His faithfulness continues through all generations.”

This past December, I once again put up my Christmas tree. I decorate starting with my crystal snowflake from Nate and then move on to other ornaments. I eventually put up the Hallmark ornament I received from Grandma. I now have a new thankfulness and appreciation for it. It is the only Hallmark ornament that my Grandma gave me; it is also the last. The Christmas after she gave it to me, she passed away from b-cell lymphoma. I am truly thankful that she loved me enough to choose that ornament for me and that I still have it to remember her by. That is genuine thankfulness.