An Awakening

As the rain drops fall collectively and land on the metal roof, I lie completely still and quiet. So still that I am barely breathing; so quiet, even my thoughts are whispers. I can almost hear each drop landing individually. They ping and pat, pitter and patter. They fall; heavily then, they slow down with no obvious pattern, rhyme or reason. Random.

I have often wondered if anything at all is random in this life. What if that were true? What if there were no such things as coincidences or meetings by chance? What if there was a divine purpose for all things, no matter how trivial some of them may seem?

The rain finally stops and all is silent except for my thoughts. These are constantly rolling and shifting from one subject to another. They never stop. At any given time during any given day, there is a thought crossing my mind. It is never void nor blank. There is always something there. I wonder if this is normal or if I’m just a busybody. One thing’s for sure, if exercise is good for the mind, mine is in great shape.

Just as the rain has ceased, now I must dim my thoughts, as much as I can, and force myself to sleep. I have quite the day ahead tomorrow and I must be ready. Maybe, just maybe, this is the break I have been waiting for. No, this IS it. I’m certain this time. This is the right move. I’ve waited years for it. This is it: my new beginning.

“Here you go again, Jeriley,” I say to myself, aware that I’m getting wound up again. “Breathe slowly. Think about your breathing. Empty your mind. Maybe you should read; that always helps.” I coach myself through the process of winding down.

Another novel by a great writer. It is an interesting story, definitely not boring with the plot twisting as it does. I am almost halfway through this one. Reading is such a great escape. I look at it as a free vacation. I get to travel anywhere at all and stay as long as the story lasts. When I finish one getaway, I travel on to the next time and place. It can be such a release to slip into someone else’s life, even if it is for a short time.

I drift. Finally, sleep overtakes me and I will sleep a dreamless sleep tonight. I am tired. My mind, my heart, my inner being has been at war for years. Seemingly, I have encountered one struggle after another. Oh sure, I have brief periods of “peace” that I enjoy, but there have always been nagging questions that I don’t have clear answers to. They often get shoved aside by my current job quest or object of infatuation, but tonight my mind will rest.

∞ 

Light. It finds its way in despite the expensive measures taken by hanging light filtering blinds and black out curtains. Oh, it helped, certainly. It’s not nearly as bright as it used to be. Nevertheless, the sunlight creeps in just before the alarm sounds ensuring that this blissful rest must come to an end quickly. The thoughts of the day begin to bombard my mind and, as they do, the alarm buzzes. Such an annoying shrill, over and over again.

In one fluid motion, I am out of bed, crossing the room to turn off the noisy alarm as I head for the shower. I am not going to miss this place at all. I take that back. There may be small conveniences that I miss like, knowing where everything in town is or having connections to getting things done. These things will have to be reacquired because today I am moving to the coast. My lifelong dream of living on the water comes true today. In just a few hours I will be smelling the salty air regularly, instead of occasionally. Somehow, I managed to land a job that will offer me a one-way ticket out of this dreadful town.

“You can’t run from life,” they say.

“It’ll always find you,” they tell me.

“Better to face it head on.”

It all seems like sound advice. Commendable, yet impossible to follow, for me at least. I have no options left that will leave me feeling sane anyway. So, I’m leaving. Hoping, and praying for a reprieve. This has to be it.

Showered and dressed, I take down the curtains from my bedroom windows and fold them neatly. I certainly paid too much for them to be left behind, and I’m already leaving the blinds in all the windows. Maybe I can be of help to the next person who lives here. It may be some poor, desperate soul who follows. Perhaps that person will be searching for a hide away as well. What a nice surprise to find a quaint little spot with blinds already in every window as an added bonus to the view of the river.

This really is a great little place. The house is a cottage style two-bedroom with a small front porch facing a picturesque street, where a handful of houses make up a lovely, hidden neighborhood. The back porch faces the river and has made the picture of tranquility complete with a cushioned swing. I planted a few flowers to add a personal touch to the yard, hoping it would feel more like a home. It helped. I have liked it here, except for the fact that it isn’t far enough away from all of the mistakes I’ve made. Mistakes that won’t leave me alone; won’t let me move on; won’t let me start over.

I put the last of my belongings into the small moving van I rented. I make one last sweep through the house and close the door. It is only 8:30 and seeing as how the weather is cooperating with nothing but sunshine in the forecast, I find myself with time for breakfast. After a quick trip through a drive thru I am on my way with my Jeep Liberty in tow, so I can be sure I don’t have to return.