The Broken Bones Diary

When you think you can do it on your own, you are in the deepest form of deception. If you think you are able to accomplish anything in this life without God’s power, you are in the midst of destruction.

I speak from empiricism. I definitely had a love for God at a very young age. I remember the hassle of trying to wake everyone up so we could be on time for the 11:00 a.m. service on Sundays when I didn’t drive yet. I remember jumping in the car by 10:45 a.m. thinking to myself that I couldn’t wait to get a car because I would never be late for church. I wanted to be on time for God. I always knew God was watching me, and I tried to please Him. I lived in a phase where I was doing things my way, calling all the shots. This started at a very young age.

In my case, I got exactly what I wanted, but there was still emptiness in my heart and I couldn’t stop but wonder why my heart wasn’t satisfied. I was living in New York City, in my opinion the greatest city in the United States. I was working in the fashion industry, making $50,000 a year at the mere age of twenty-two, which was much higher than the average twenty-two-year-old that year. I was hustling and bustling, relying on what my eyesight told me was right. Work hard, retire early, and life will be groovy. Why wasn’t I fulfilled, New York? Why wasn’t I satisfied with a $50,000 salary at the age of twenty-two? Why did something in my heart, mind, body, and soul still thirst? .

Truthfully looking back, I was not happy. I couldn’t even discern that I was going down a road that led to wreckage. Why? Because I didn’t know. Why didn’t I know? I wasn’t told. Then I was told, but I still didn’t know. Why not? Because I didn’t want to listen. .

These were questions that would taunt me over and over. My “mine, mine, mine” bubble was popping, and I didn’t like it. I spent so much of my time building this bubble that I walked in. It was reassuring. .

If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness! .
—Matthew 6:23

It was like God was speaking this whole time, but I couldn’t hear Him because of all the nonsense I placed around me. All of the clothes, fancy restaurants, lights, camera, and action came tumbling down. I thought God was supposed to make everything peachy as long as I went to church. This was darkness, but I thought it was light until I started reading the Word of God.

I love those who love Me; and those who diligently seek me will find Me.
—Proverbs 8:17

You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.
—Jeremiah 29:13

When you start to seek God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, it may not appear normal to the world. Reading the Bible trained me to see what His grace and love was truly about. I was excited about this new chapter of my life. However, the ride for a Christian is never smooth. It was like God drove me into chaos. My life was filled with heartache, loneliness, anger, bitterness, pain, and misery. On the outside, I looked great, but my insides were a mess.

God crumbled my whole life that I spent years fabricating. He stopped everything and crumbled all the clay to build something totally new. All of my norms and standards were thrown out the door. What He did I can never forget. What I know is He made me brand new. The power I had growing up experienced a brutal death filled with misery and heartache. Now I am operating with a far greater power because it’s His power within me.