What You See What You Say What You Store

Wounded Healers

Pastor Copeland defined a "wounded healer" as someone who has endured a loss and completed their grieving process to the point of realizing that, while their life will never be the same, they must embrace life as it is now without the "who or what" they lost and move on in anticipation of eventually acquiring a renewed sense of "wholeness and normalcy." In order to get to this point, the wounded healer must have had an experiential understanding of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. An experiential understanding means the wounded healer has actively participated and lived through these stages and acquired the knowledge and skill to guide someone else in their grief journey through these stages. While it is true everyone may not encounter each and every stage of grief, the majority of people will experience the majority of the stages.

It has been my experience over the years as a grief facilitator that most people experience denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. There have been some who never experienced bargaining. This stage is usually experienced in the case of divorce, when the one who does not want the divorce will attempt to "bargain" with God by asking Him to not allow this to happen or ask God to touch the heart of their spouse to change his or her mind about the divorce. If that fails, they may attempt to bargain with the spouse by promising to be a better person, promising to meet their needs, or promising to do whatever they perceive to be the reason the spouse wants the divorce.

A loss is anything that causes one to grieve. For example: the death of a loved one; loss of a body part, a pet, a job; unresolved relationship issues; feelings of insecurity, etc. Losses must be successfully dealt with in order to get through the grieving process to the point of restoration, as in the ability to successfully function again without the active pain. The responsibility of the "wounded healer" is to help facilitate that restoration process for others.

You may wonder if it is possible to be fully restored and whole again after experiencing a loss. One of the definitions of the word "whole" is having been restored or healed. I truly believe it is possible to become whole after suffering through a loss, and I say that experientially. I became whole after Frank died. I admit it took quite some time, but it happened. I was devastated when Frank died, and I couldn’t imagine my life ever getting back on track, but it did. I felt as though someone had ripped half of my heart out and I couldn’t imagine living or functioning with half a heart. I soon realized that I had to function because life goes on and I didn't want my children worrying about me. After all, I told them they had to move on with life so I had to be an example of that. It was a struggle, but I made it even through my depression stage (see Chapter 4).

To be whole does not mean the void in your life caused by your loss is totally gone. It does mean that the void has been filled or replaced by something else. In my case, my void was filled when I started conducting grief workshops. This took my mind off the lifestyle I no longer had and caused me to focus on helping others, which became my new lifestyle. I will never forget Frank or that part of my life. I now see it as the springboard that catapulted me to where I am today—doing what I know God has called me to do. Glory be to God!