My Modern Damascus Road

After I got settled in the job I was happy with, the tempest started. In just four months I found myself laid off. In that first two years of marriage we had been blessed with a child each year, and now we were entering the tumultuous 1980 economic turmoil after just finding out we were expecting our third bundle of joy. I had myself and three others to provide for, and I couldn't win for losing. I would get a new job, work for about six to eight months, and then be laid off again to start all over. The financial strain was tremendous for a guy who had always been responsible, because the responsibilities were hard to meet with the resources we had. Then the new baby arrived in nineteen eighty-one and the economy continued to fluctuate. All in all the storm consisted of being out of work eight times in ten years, with five of those lay-offs lasting from three to six months.

During this time I continued to minister through music, but the circumstances were having a harmful effect on my faith. Even though we were just able to scrape by, I found myself having doubts and wondering why things were so hard. Many of you have probably endured lay-offs and know the feeling of helplessness, the desperation of looking for a job so you can do right by your family and the frustration of waiting until you are able to find something. With this happening over and over in my life, it took a toll on my faith, and my family. It was a time of trial for me, but looking back I can see how God used it to strengthen me. I just didn't see the plan of God in it then.

This weakened state was the origin of my rebellion. I didn't blow up all at once, but little by little I became less careful about what I did and said. My actions went slowly back to the ways of the unsaved, not completely abandoning God, but floating farther and farther away.

After life got more and more confusing and frustrating, I came to a breaking point. I had left the quartet and had just a fraction of the involvement in the church I once had. I wouldn't even take Communion, not feeling worthy to do so, and being afraid of violating the scriptural admonition not to partake unworthily.

All these various situations and a few of life's regular volcanoes later, I found myself standing in the driveway, looking at the stars, and having a heart to heart with God. I was tired of the financial, material, and spiritual battles, and was questioning Him loudly about the way things were in my life. And then I gave Him my temporary separation speech. It went something like this:

"You know, Lord, I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm confused and tired, and frustrated. I don''t know why these things are happening, but I feel like I'm in a grinder. Why the grinder?

Anyway, I’m going to have to back away from things for a while and figure out some of this confusion. I don't want to be your enemy; I just need some time to think."

With hindsight, I can tell you not ever to do what I did that night. I thought I wanted to put down my faith for awhile because I just needed some time to think. But let me tell you what happened. I quit thinking about God and His ways and Satan took the opportunity I had given him. I found myself backslidden and worse in every way than I had been before I was saved.

I hope when the storms come (and they come to all of us), that you will do just the opposite of what I did. What you should do (and I should have done) is to hold tightly to Jesus' hand and trust Him no matter what. Instead of backing away like I did, draw close to God and put yourself into His hands and ride out the storm, no matter how long or how hard it is. Losing everything in this world is preferable to losing ground in your relationship with the Lord.

I stayed backslidden for many years, and would still be away from the Lord if He hadn’t taken the initiative to get my attention again. The only time I had prayed in all those years was when my mother got cancer, and then just tentatively. After she had passed away, I went silent to the Lord for three more years. I guess the Lord knew it was going to take a miracle to get my attention, because that’s exactly what I got.