12 Seconds

"It is time to begin." The firm yet loving words floated through her mind without sound and the angel's hand lowered, looking toward the darkness with her. Asaphar continued, "Be not afraid, for these things before you have been finished. There will be nothing unfamiliar or surprising to you. You will remember all that has taken place."

With darkness still surrounding her, her sights began to swim with memories from her life. The darkness before her seemed to serve as a giant movie screen and as she stood in the same dark spot the images before her rotated around her in a perfect flow from beginning to end. The memories before her brightened the darkened void with vibrant colors of life and the sounds echoed through the stillness surrounding them. Life filled the darkness and her mind was caught up in what played before her. She was not a participant but a silent observer.

She watched herself during many different events in her life. Although she didn't experience each emotion to its fullest extent, she observed herself during times of joy and sadness feeling only portions of the emotions that she knew accompanied them. She watched as some scenes came alive with vivid detail while others seemed to rush right by without much feeling at all. Any emotions she felt were subdued and seemed to only vaguely mimic those feelings she actually experienced in her lifetime. But she did remember with clarity and without question.

In every direction was a different scene in perfect chronology from the beginning of her life to the last thing she remembered before the whole bizarre event began to unfold in her car just moments before. She was even able to watch parts of her life that she had completely forgotten. Memories that were etched in the farthest recesses of her mind came to life. It seemed to move very quickly, but she was able to understand and remember every single event without pausing.

While many of the events didn't seem to carry any real importance, others were stark evidence of the life she had chosen for herself. There were choices that were made quickly, and choices that were made with much consideration. The common denominator was that they were all choices that she made and the results were what she carried throughout the remaining course of her life.

She was able to view many events from early childhood and they carried the same impact as those from her adolescence and young adulthood. As she stood watching, a feeling of shame began to course through her. Standing silent, she faced her shame realizing that it was only the beginning of a series of events she would have to face alone. Asaphar remained silent beside her, not offering words of encouragement or support and not displaying emotion of any sort, but watching what had transpired during the lifetime unfolding in front of them.

They watched in total silence as she witnessed the self-destructive habits during her teenage years play before them. The drugs and alcohol she had pumped into her body, the parties she snuck off to in the middle of the night, and the bad boys she always seemed to gravitate toward. She watched, as she quickly became the bad influence, the trouble maker, and the good friend who did what it took to make others feel important and needed. She recognized the pattern immediately; her need to be accepted and loved by any and every one.

As her life passed before her eyes, she began seeing images from her early years as an adult. She still exhibited many of her self-destructive behaviors but she was able to see places in her life where she was improving. Although they were minimal improvement they were obvious to her at that moment and she was thankful that there was something positive in the midst of all of her destruction.

Then new feelings of pain, shame and regret began to fill her as she realized how much of her life had been wasted on anger, depression and self-absorption. She watched days and years float by her filled with tears for no apparent reason other than unfulfilled desire. She knew it was a little late to be realizing how much she had given up for pure selfishness and greed.

Later in her life self-destruction seemed to be less of an emphasis and her spirituality was beginning to develop. She was able to see, with clarity, that when her life was spent focusing on Jesus Christ, her feelings of shame and regret diminished a great deal. A lesson not realized until that moment. Something so important could have saved her years of pain and torment. But there was no longer an opportunity to change the focus of her life. There was no longer an opportunity to change its course.

Then there were other memories that touched her heart, many bringing a smile to her face. As she stood there, watching her life pass before her, she realized how much had gone by unappreciated. She easily remembered the sadness and the chaos, but she had so conveniently minimized, and often times forgotten, the happiness and joy she had been blessed with. This was probably the most sobering revelation of all. How could she have overlooked all of the blessings? There they were right before her eyes: special moments with her parents, her brother and sisters, and friends. Yes, there were losses, but there were also births and new relationships. Some lasted only moments in her life while others took place over days, weeks, years and even a lifetime.

There were holidays, birthdays, vacations, and visits. She watched the smiles, the chatter, the hugs and the kisses. There were tears of joy and shouts of laughter. There were tears of sadness and cries in mourning. There was a lifetime of emotion playing before her. Then there was darkness and silence again.