The Real Me

It is amazing how one mistake can completely change the course of your life. Several years ago, I made such a mistake. Not just your average, run-of-the-mill mistake. This one was a doozy.

As I wrestled with the fallout of that mistake, wondering if I was always going to be the girl who messed up, I found myself searching the Bible for answers and guidance. I had a phrase stuck in my head, “I am not a mistake, but I sure know how to make them.” As I worked through my Bible, I looked at the story of David, a story of repentance and love. I looked at the story of Hosea, a beautiful narrative of love and forgiveness. I looked at the story of Paul, an account of complete transformation. All of these were great illustrations of that phrase that God gave me.

But then I studied Peter. Peter has always been one of my favorite disciples. I truly believe that if Peter were alive in modern times, he would be from Texas. He just has that brash, impulsive, bigger-than-life personality. More than that, he seems real. He had some amazing experiences in his life.

He also had some amazing mistakes.

This was the man who walked on water, and then promptly started to sink when he took his eyes off Jesus.

This was the man who in one breath declared that Jesus was God, and in the next, refused to believe that Jesus would die for the world.

This was the man who fought Roman soldiers trying to arrest Jesus, only to realize that Jesus had willingly surrendered.

This was the man who claimed Jesus as his best friend, and then denied ever knowing him.

Yet, despite these things, he did not let those mistakes define who he was. Instead, he held true to the person God had called him to be.

There are so many ways I could describe myself. Insecure, crazy, bossy, messed up, a sinner – each of those would certainly fit. Called? Chosen? Loved? Forgiven? Those identities are harder to accept.

Why? Because I know the real me.

The real me wakes up every day wondering if today is the day people are finally going to realize I am unlovable.
The real me spends a ridiculous amount of time wondering what other people think.
The real me still looks for approval from those in my life in order to feel successful.
The real me feels like I failed as a daughter, because I have not followed society’s norms.
The real me avoids big groups because I am scared that I won’t be included.
The real me is insanely self-conscious about how I look.
The real me would rather eat my feelings than open my Bible.
The real me knows that I am woefully under qualified to work at a church.
The real me never quite feels good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, successful enough, funny enough. For anyone.
The real me feels like an easy person to give up on.
The real me sometimes doesn’t do the dishes right away…or even the same day.
The real me always waits to do laundry until the absolute last minute because I hate it.
The real me has always wanted to write a book but fears that people will think that I don’t have anything worthwhile to say.
The real me refuses to cry in public because I think that it will hurt less if people don’t see my real emotions.

But God - two of the most beautiful words in the English language – but God says differently. Once I put down the chocolate and started studying God’s Word, I realized that God says something completely opposite about my identity.

Who I am is not merely a label. It is not wrapped up in what I have done or not done. It is not based on my emotions. I am not defined by my job or my past or my successes or even how well my Fantasy Football team performed. I am not a mistake just because I made a mistake. I am not a failure just because something in my life failed.

Instead, God says that I am His.

Maybe it is time for the real me to listen.