A Closer Walk

I have been keeping a journal since I was about nine years old. I don’t have them all. Some were burned in a fire and the earlier ones just got lost somehow along the way. It is looking back at these journal entries that helps me see just how far I have really come.

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions but I do set some goals and make a “to do” list. On the top of my “To Do” list for 1987 was to learn more about God, to get to know Him better. It was on my list again in January 1988. It wasn’t until1989 that I was actually conscious of intentionally taking the steps that would lead me closer to Him.

The Journey

January 1989 – Journal Entry

I climbed the stairs to my apartment over the garage and put my bag on the chair by the table. The apartment is small but big enough for me. Two bedrooms, a bathroom, a kitchen/dining room/living room, a garage to put my car in and a laundry/craft room downstairs.

It was quite late when I stopped at the bar for dinner and conversation with my friends and now it’s even later. The “friends” were into their own thing. I really don’t do drama and drunks well so I sat up at the bar and talked with one of the owners who over the years has become a good friend. I started going to this bar/restaurant for meals when I bought the building next door and I felt welcome and at home here. The food is good. The people are friendly and I soon was playing on the shuffle board team and meeting a few friends after work. But now I don’t live next door. The divorce that I didn’t want has forced the sale of the building and I have moved from pillar to post and now I live out in the country in a rented apartment.

Shuffle board season is over and I have pretty much quit drinking so just hanging out at the bar isn’t what I want to do. I decided not to drink so much when I found myself wanting a drink as a way to relax when I got out of work each night.

One Saturday I woke up after having a late Friday night out with the girls and thought “This must be the way alcoholics get started. I am not going to be an alcoholic like my dad.” My dad passed away from alcoholism in 1972. So I quit drinking. It wasn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be. My friends often bought me a drink and had it waiting for me when I got there after work. I had to make arrangements with the owners and bartender not to let them do that. I didn’t want to give up my friends, I just wanted to quit drinking so much. When they insisted, I had to ask them to make it a tonic and lime. Eventually they understood but didn’t think I drank too much. “After all I didn’t drink as much as they did and they weren’t alcoholics were they?” It was like trying to lose weight and having everyone bring you dessert. Now I have an occasional drink but mostly drink tonic water and lime.

Work as a retail manager is very stressful, especially in the fashion industry. Management means 70 or 80 hours a week and it also means always being on someone’s “list”. I am good at it but it is starting to get me down. I wish I were back at the bookstore or at my own store.

My life is pretty mundane for an active woman and tomorrow will be another long day just like this one. Work 12 hours, stop for dinner and come home to nothing. I do have other things I love to do like making stained glass things, quilting, and writing and now I have added storytelling to the list. Those things have to wait until one of those rare days came along when I find time to do them. I put the leftovers from dinner in the refrigerator and decided to climb into bed. I find myself once again crying out my loneliness and pain to God and writing it in this journal. Writing helps and talking to God about it helps more.

So began this journey. It has not been an easy one but I would not trade it. The joy and fulfillment my life has held is more than I ever imagined. I am still walking out this journey. I am getting closer to Him all the time. I am not finished with this walk. I am sure I will never be finished learning more about Him until the day I meet Him face to face. I do know I am growing from glory to glory.

It is my hope that somehow this path I have been on will touch your life with insight and wisdom as you continue on your own journey. I hope that you will reach out your hand to His and call Him Father. One day you too will climb up on His lap, rest there and lean on Him.

I suggest you keep a journal of your own journey. One you can look back on and say “Oh yes! That is when I learned that.” I hope that you will question these steps I have taken on this journey. Reach into your own life and find the places you will learn from. Take notes and look up the references. Bring God into your everyday life and enjoy this journey along the way. Growing is painful and often times funny but I always think in the end it is worth every step. I hope you think so too.