In my Father's Land

When I got to Dr. Kim's office, I sat in the front waiting area for maybe five minutes before his nurse called me into the back. A few minutes after that Dr. Kim came into the room with his nurse.

He shook my hand and then asked me, "How are you feeling today, Casey?"

"I'm fine, Dr. Kim".

He had the CT scan, MRI, and X-rays in his hands. "We have found the problem."

He shoved the MRI film up on the lighted screen that was hanging on the wall so he could show me what he had found.

"See this, Casey?"

"Yes sir."

He was pointing to a large, round, white circle on the X-ray they had taken of my brain.

"This is a tumor, Casey. It's in your left ear canal, which is behind you eardrum. It is a rather large mass, and from what I can tell, it looks like it is lying against the cerebellum part of your brain. However, part of the tumor has what looks like a hook on it. We can't tell if it has grown into your brain or not. It's in a hard position to see. This is the reason you can't hear. This is also the reason for your headaches and the dizziness you're having.

I was paralyzed with shock. I just sat there staring at the white image on the X-ray. I couldn't believe it. It was true, I had a tumor in my brain. After a few minutes had gone by, I finally got the words to come out of my mouth. They had been stuck there. I didn't want to speak them because I thought if I said them out loud, It would all be real. But I had to know;

"Dr. Kim, am I going to die?"

He looked me straight in the eyes. " Casey, it's a big tumor. If it's not removed, it will burst, and yes, then you could die. This is serious. we don't want to wait. Let's not think about dying: let's concentrate on getting you to a doctor who can remove the tumor. I went to school with a doctor who specializes in these kinds of operations. I'm confident I can get you an appointment with him. Would you like me to give him a call and see if we can get you in?"

" Please." I said. I didn't know what else to say. I mean, what was there left to say? I felt numb.

Dr. Kim was giving his nurse some orders. I wasn't listening to them; I was still looking at the image on the wall. Then he turned back to me and began to speak to me once again.

"I want you to know that I'm here for you, Casey, if you need me. I will do whatever I can to help you. Please just call me."

The whole time Dr. Kim was talking to me I was staring at the image on the X-ray. I couldn't take my eyes off of the white dot. It was just a white circle on the X-ray film. How could that kill anyone? Once again I said to myself,

"Why, Lord? Why me?