What Happens After Shattered?

Discovery of a mate’s affair is the beginning of an arduous journey of pain and suffering that can eventually lead to healing. In addition to forgiveness, specific techniques to help you nurture yourself and eventually heal will be discussed in Chapter 10. Discovery can be a long-term process of encountering clues and warning signs of infidelity along the way. Contrarily, some are indoctrinated into the world of adultery through immediate shock and surprise. Retrospective insight is always more clear to us when evaluating our marriages. It is much easier to look back on the relationship with knowledge of the affair(s) and deduce inconsistencies or behaviors of significance.

In many situations, unassuming spouses finally discover an indisputable sign of infidelity, despite affairs taking place for years before that. It is easy to blame and criticize yourself saying you should have seen the signs. Betrayed spouses must be careful of their own self-talk and make sure it is not evaluative or critical with imperatives of what they should have done or could have done. One betrayed spouse, a social worker in the mental health community, had the mistaken belief that, “Surely, my clinical training would have prepared me to see the warning signs.” I encourage you to replace criticism and condemnation with compassion. Many fear judgment from others. Another betrayed woman noted that she was fearful others would judge her for choosing a dishonest, unfaithful partner. She had chided herself, saying “I should have seen it coming,” since infidelity had occurred in two of her marriages. Another common pitfall is being concerned about what others are thinking. This is an example of negative self-talk, specifically mindreading, and will only delay your healing time. Although it is human to wonder what others are thinking, being overly concerned with others’ thoughts can be consuming and exhausting.  In the case of infidelity, we are often concerned about what others will think once the secret of an affair is exposed. Traditionally, most people are compassionate toward betrayed spouses. However, if they are not, what they think is not helpful and should be discarded.

What I have come to understand about affairs, is that they are born out of secrecy, duplicity, and lies. True love is meant to be cherished and publically celebrated and never originates from secrecy, falsehood, or disguise. The straying partner becomes an expert in foolery, building story upon story, manipulating the truth, regardless of the irrationality and disparity of truth. When you believe in love and fundamentally trust your partner, you don’t think to look for inconsistencies in his behavior or you are quick to dismiss the discrepancies with benign alternative explanations. In other words, the idea of infidelity can be so foreign to the betrayed spouse that the power of love is projected as protectiveness and denial when initial warning signs of infidelity are displayed.

Case Example of Discovery

Amanda, a forty-six-year-old freelance writer, found her first definitive and disturbing clue of her husband’s infidelity by finding condoms in his briefcase. Prior to confronting him, she prayed fervently, hoping there was some logical explanation for her troubling discovery. She was desperate for benign answers to a finding that she knew deep down inside meant something dreadful. When you are anxious, turn to the Lord in prayer. Make any and all requests to the Lord and know that He delights in hearing from His children. No prayer is ever unworthy. We may not always get the answer we want when we pray to God, but we do get a promise that God hears every prayer and loves us unconditionally and dearly. In fact, He loves us so much that He reserves a special vessel for our treasured prayers—He collects them and keeps them in a bowl of precious gold, a scriptural word picture illustrating how important our prayers are to God. Similarly, it is written, “Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll—are they not in your record?” (Psalm 56:8, NIV)

• And when he had taken it, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp and they were holding golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints. Revelation 5:8 (NIV)
• And pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:18 (NIV)
• I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone—for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. I Timothy 2:1–2 (NIV)
• The priests and the Levites stood to bless the people, and God heard them, for their prayer reached heaven, his holy dwelling place. II Chronicles 30:27 (NIV)
• Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

If you have a special prayer request for God, write it here:

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When Amanda confronted her husband about her discovery, her husband confessed to having multiple affairs. Despite the terrible news, she continued to pray. Subsequently, God provided support and comfort in the way of friends, an infidelity support group, and a husband who was repentant and willing to go to therapy.

 In a situation where the discovery is a process and not an immediate event, you may maneuver through a constellation of emotional experiences. You may experience angst, increased suspicion, lack of trust, and hyper-vigilance in monitoring your relationship. Some women choose to ignore warning signs and do not communicate their concerns for fear of a perceived negative outcome, i.e., the dissolution of the marriage. I believe it is important to respect your beliefs and values and to confront your spouse’s behaviors in order to be consistent with your values. Even if he chooses to continue his sexual indiscretions, you will know that you practiced