BeHind ScHedule

Blink of an Eye
The older I became I realized that a part of me had been stolen, killed and destroyed by past chapters of my life and I soon realized that most of my life had changed within the blink of an eye. Many lives had been changed as I had started my own family and I could not pretend anymore because the cat had been let out of the bag and secrets came crashing out the closet door. Secrets which could not afford to go on any longer without other lives risk being jeopardized in the near future. Many of life’s secret sins, generational curses and much more can only stand the test of time and they will be exposed! Although my life had been changed others were being spared of the wile tactics the enemy had prepared for my children and future generations. Satan only comes to steal, kill and destroy people’s lives because he knows God created everyone with purpose. Satan loves to operate in his purpose to abort the purpose of God’s children any way he can accomplish his mission.
I had been defined by my past. Many people I had trusted had been put to blame in my eyes but in my heart I knew it was the enemy. I blamed satan and his wile tactics for abusing me, shaming me, finding me guilty for what had been done to me up to the current moment. It is then I realized I hadn’t forgiven many people when my life began to unfold in misery. Misery of letting my past defeat me took me into battle mode against myself. The quest of being loved by men (although long-term relationships) was a test I failed along my journey until the battle always got the best of me and I would realize my past was beating up on me. My past had made me believe that no one could truly love me, I wasn’t good enough for anyone, and I was spoiled and tainted. I accepted their love to be true but realized through relationship with God that false love never last. Did truth stop my quest? The answer is no. My past had rejected me and the battles I faced each day became lighter with co-dependent relationships tugging at me, controlled substances speaking to me, spinning around life wondering, why me? I could keep spinning around from day to day but it came a point I said, “I can take steps forward to get a few steps ahead” of my past which kept taunting me, defining me and defeating me over and over again in my mind.
Defeat was manifesting in my life because of what was stuck and brainwashed in my mind that my past controlled me and there was no way of escape. My past was lying to me which I had been believing the lies and my past made me believe my past owned me and there was no way to escape. “You owe me” my past would say, as I laid up from day to day in a co-dependent relationship and controlled substance (mostly marijuana for years until years later I graduated to crack cocaine) which took my pain away, temporary gratification which assisted in my past being abusive to me. My past was abusive to me, manipulating me, defining me and defeating me. The only question I had for my past was, why me? It wasn’t until my future spoke to me when the blood of Jesus finally took hold of me, captured me from the destiny my past had planned for me and said, “your past is a part of you because God had purpose for you and satan was trying to steal your purpose from you.” I begin to understand I was destined with purpose and that is why my past had been beating up on me trying to take control and ownership of me. My life changed with the blink of an eye with a simple revelation which came from up high. Still battling trying to escape my past and gain freedom, I would run into Jesus as I opened each door while battling or ran into closed doors but Jesus was there waging war in my mind bringing me to conclusion that satan had been lying to me. I didn’t have to escape because Jesus served my time on the cross and I was free by the blood of Jesus. In my personal relationship with Jesus, He reminded me that I had a future in Him (Jeremiah 29:11). My question all those years had finally been answered, why me?
At this time, I begin to ask God to repair me and I begin to seek Him with my whole heart (Matthew 6:33). I wanted Him to restore me and make me whole where I could see the great things He had pre-destined for me and I became excited as He started sharing those details with me but not yet realizing the process is a tedious journey. It appeared freedom came and freedom left at times on my journey but in the midst Jesus had captured me and whom the son sets free is free indeed. His love was not replaceable, not comparable, and not quenchable with any other love I had ever known. I wanted more of His love but my past kept trying to take ownership of me. Freedom would not hang around when I would separate myself (freewill) from God by dipping and dabbing in the world of sin which beset me but Jesus was still carrying me (free indeed). I would ask Jesus to repair me, restore me and make me whole the way He had created me originally even when I felt far from Him I knew His hands were still on me. I know He had a plan for me and I desperately wanted to fulfill my destiny and He kept completing the good work He began in me along my journey and I trust in Him to continue to complete me until the day of Christ Jesus as promised me (Philippians 1:6).
The high call is what I am running to obtain is achievable by His grace and mercy which He gives me over and over along my journey (Philippians 3:14).
Now, I see why my past continued to try and take ownership of me but without the Lord in my life there was no help for me. I had now learned how the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy and did his best to suck all hope out of me. Somehow, someway the enemy would just keep attacking me with guilt, shame, fear and whatever else he could to sock it to me! Jesus was my only way of escape into my true reality by reminding me of the life He had planned for me. He died for me and the purpose which had been given to me was greater than me and I had to give Him my heart where He could lead me from day to day into complete freedom because without Him, I can do nothing. I would delight myself in Him and understood I could do nothing without Him including escaping the destiny my past which the enemy had planned for me.