He Enriched My Life by the Death I Suffered

So, here I was like a circus performer. You know the one, the man who places a plate on a dowel rod and starts spinning it. Then he places another, gives it a spin, and then goes back to check the first plate. Next, he starts moving a little faster, adds a third plate, and runs back to check on the first two. As he goes along, adding plate after plate, he keeps increasing the pace to keep up. He’s doing okay, not too out of breath, and they all spin well. He keeps adding plates, dividing his attention among them all, but moving faster and faster. Some of the dowels start swaying, the plates start looking wobbly, but he frantically keeps them all rotating. The anxiety of the audience builds and builds with each new plate, and they watch in tense anticipation to see if he can do it. Can he keep them all spinning? Will he fail and let them all fall, shattering into countless fragments?

This is a good metaphor of my life. Eighteen (maybe that’s an exaggeration, but we’ll go with it) plates spinning… all at the same time… and I was anxiously trying to keep every single one turning. I was trying to prevent everything from crashing to the ground.

<>In December, 2013, a particular situation in our church became a very heavy burden on my heart. Add another plate. For the next three months, it grew heavier and I prayed many, many hours. My emotions became more and more overwhelming, inordinately so. But I kept on spinning.

During this same month, meetings began for CCM’s second Mexico mission trip. Even though the timing of my first mission trip didn’t mesh well with my personal schedule, it was still a most profound experience in my life. Without consulting my heavenly Father and before ever leaving Mexico, I signed up to go again in June, 2014. Now the time had come to begin training. Add another plate.

In February, 2014, CCM conducted our winter women’s retreat. Retreat was a wonderful time of: being alone with God, Biblical teaching, fellowshipping with other Christian women, and receiving healing. But it also required much work and preparation and was usually very emotionally draining. Months earlier I had committed to help with this weekend event. Along with teaching and ministering to the women who attended, I offered to be the point person. This meant that I had the responsibility of an overseer as I worked alongside several other women leaders. Add another plate.

However, something extremely significant happened during worship on the last morning. I heard the song “Oceans” by Hillsong United for the first time and loved it. Over the next couple of weeks, I listened to it frequently during my own worship time at home. One particular line really walloped me. It described trusting God without any limitations or boundaries. I wanted this, really wanted this. Who wouldn’t want to trust God completely? The freedom would be phenomenal.

In my excitement, I talked to Peary about it. I talked to my son about it. I journaled about it. I prayed about it. All I could think about were the benefits of this kind of trust. In my naiveté, I thought I fully trusted my heavenly Father. I didn’t examine myself to make sure, though. Actually, I was unable to do any deep introspection; I was too distracted by all the spinning plates. But, in a short time I discovered that I didn’t trust Him nearly as much as I thought I did. My God knew this and decided to test me because He wanted me to know the truth: I didn’t fully trust Him. He was about to put me directly in the middle of a storm to give me the desire of my heart: absolute trust in Him. It was His desire too.

Something else extremely significant occurred at this time, though it affected me very differently. I was thrown under the bus by someone and I couldn’t do a thing about it. I had no control except in my reaction, which is the truth about many situations in life. Sadly, I wasn’t stable enough to respond in a healthy way. I couldn’t just immediately forgive and move on. I remember ruminating in a state of agitation for days on end. In my journal entry from a week later, I confessed these emotions in my prayer: angry, troubled, drained, and stressed. Many times before the Lord had instructed me to forgive those who hurt me and to pray for them. Jesus did it from the cross: “Then said Jesus, ‘Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do’” (Luke 23:34, King James Version). So, that is what I did—eventually. I forgave and prayed blessing over the person. Unfortunately, the whole episode further weakened my already fragile condition.

I arrived home from retreat on a mid-Sunday afternoon and by Tuesday morning I left for a whirlwind road trip to Arizona to be with my dad while he had surgery. Add another plate. (Where are we now… twenty-one?) I drove seven hours just to get to the starting point at my brother’s home in Arkansas, after picking up my sister and brother-in-law along the way. The four of us got into my brother’s Honda Civic and hit the road…twenty-three non-stop hours going out… twenty-eight non-stop hours coming back… in an ice and snow storm… in less than a week. It was absolutely physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting for me.

During my whole depression experience, there are some key, defining moments. The first one occurred during this trip. I was faced with a dilemma and the solution required me to add another plate. A never-before-heard voice in my head said, “I can’t.” Whoa! Where did that come from?

You see, in my family we are “I can” people. Can’t is not in our vocabulary. It’s unheard of. So, I was absolutely stunned by my internal response. It really confused me and actually frightened me. A mental argument ensued: “Yes, you can.” “No, I can’t.” “Yes, you can.” “No, I can’t!” “What is wrong with you?” “I don’t know.” “What are they going to think of you when you say ‘I can’t?’” On and on it went, this verbal tennis match in my head. Yet, I told no one. Fortunately for me, the decision was taken out of my hands. Another plate was not added; thank You, Jesus. Hindsight reveals this was another one of those times that something extremely significant happened. It was like a huge sign flashed: WARNING, TROUBLE AHEAD! But I couldn’t see it.