Hello, My Name Is Broken

The hour-long commute I had every day to a less-than-fulfilling job had been really hard for me to drive lately. It was nowhere I thought I would be. Mistakes do that to us; sin does that to us. I was struck with the realization that I really didn’t have any friends left; my sin, my temper, and my bad decisions had led me to where I was. While I was in the midst of the mess, I couldn’t see what was happening. Now, a few months and miles removed, I could see exactly what had led me here. I had demanded so much from God, and in turn, demanded so much from the people around me- it was no wonder there was so much chaos.

“Here we go,” I thought to myself as I drove down the early morning highway. “Lord, what are You doing?” I didn’t even want to turn on the radio; I knew I had to talk to God, but I didn’t know what to say. Hadn’t I said everything I could? On the fringe of the white noise, I noticed the presence of loneliness. How could I not? I thought about my two closest friends; friends who had done their best to push me to run to God. Oh, they tried. But I was so bitter towards God and what He seemed to be doing. Why wasn’t He answering my requests? How could He let things be so painful? I wanted what was good, didn’t I? I wanted restoration, I wanted peace, I wanted things to be good again! But He hadn’t done what I thought He was going to do. Instead of surrendering to His plan, I bucked against it. 

If He wasn’t going to do anything, I would. And I would do it my way. I was purposefully hurtful to those whom I cared about most; I stomped my feet and threw a temper tantrum like a spoiled child. If I couldn’t have things the way I wanted them, I would do whatever it meant to have control. It left a lot of people bloody, running for cover. When the smoke cleared, I was left with red hands and tear-filled eyes. What had I just done? Who had I become? What was I going to do now?

I cried out of shame and hurt. I couldn’t fix this. I realized that I was completely by myself; God was moving, but I couldn’t guess how. And I hated it. It seemed as though had lost everything. What could God possibly have for me? How was it good for me to be here, in a place I felt so alone, with only Him to be alone with? I missed my friends, I wanted things to be fixed. I wanted to make things right. How was that ever going to happen? 

It took just a moment and then there it was- the whispered hush that I sometimes hear in my soul, followed by the reassurance of a thought that I’m not sure I would have come to on my own. It was the idea of being brought aside. I shook my head; yep, I was certainly in an aside-time right now. Completely aside. My initial response was one of defeat; I had caused this, and now look at where I was. “This hurts,” I prayed. “Lord, what can You do with me here? What are You waiting for?”