This Is Crazy!
A Mother’s Heart
by
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Introduction Grief will hit our homes in one way or another. The question is when it hits, how will you handle it? Well, little did I know, I would have to experience grief in a way that I never had before. On August 2, 2007 around 2:45 a.m., I received phone called from my son’s job, informing me that he has been kill in a trucking accident. I screamed from the depth of my soul while slowly going to the floor in disbelief. In an unexpected instance, I was in a whirlwind. I just kept saying this is unbelievable… This is Crazy! Little did I know that I would be saying, this phrase over and over again for many reasons and many years. I was in a total state of shock. I immediately begin to say God help me my emotions high. Boy! What bad timing to have something like this happen. You see it was two days before our major Women Empowering Women for the Next Generation, Inc. (WEW), women and girls’ conference and retreat. I told my dear friend Tayloria that I needed her help because the conference will go on. My husband, Darryl asked me was I sure about that decision? I told him right now this was the best thing for me. In all things, God will get the Glory even in death. The WEW team stepped up to the plate kept their focus and did what God had instructed us to do. Ministry, even in the midst of pain! I was still saying this is unbelievable… This is crazy! Many people were in disbelief and others were wondering “how could she do this when her son just died.” I shared with them that God has me covered and that I was secure in my spirit, but as a mother I hurt. As different people came to my home, to show support, I heard the many clichés… “Sorry for your loss”, “God doesn’t make mistakes”, “time will heal the pain”, and “I know what you are going through.” I heard them…but I didn’t… I was numb and in total shock. I would cry, but as more people began to show up, I dried up my tears. In my head, I was saying… God, they really don’t know how I feel…because, I do not know how I feel (I knew that they meant well). I said, “Lord, help me to get pass this weekend” and he did. Oh, yes God was glorified at the retreat, and many was blessed at the conference. We had an awesome celebration of my son’s home-going, but I was still in shock. I begin to say to family and friends; I’m going to get myself some help. They didn’t know what to say, but the look on their faces said it all. I was glad my mother-in-law Mary, was not embarrassed to share that she went to a grief support group, after the death of her husband the previous year. She shared how it helped her because everyone was there for the same reason. They were all trying to deal with grief. In the beginning I had a lot of support and lots of phone calls, cards, you name it. People did what they knew to do. I was showed a lot of love, but I was still in shock. I kept hearing, in time it will get better. God will you give strength, so on and so on. I just wanted to scream, because I knew all that. I just wanted to tell them… Saying all of that doesn’t stop the pain. All I wanted to know is, how do I deal with this? Instead of saying what was on my mind, I would simply say… “Just say pray for me”. I told my husband that I wanted to grieve and mourn in a healthy way, without spiritualizing everything. How do I deal with the natural man without feeling crazy? I kept saying “this is crazy I need real help.” Real help, is just what I will get to maintain my sanity. This was my prayer, Lord, here I am… I am wondering aimlessly, I do not know what life holds for me. I know there is a new life. I don’t know what directions to go in. Lord, today I am trying to understand and deal with grief, and deal with the death of my son. Help me Lord! Teach me your ways. I know you love me God. I know that I am the apple of your eye. Help me to understand this process. This is a process that everyone must go through, I know it seems like a great storm in my life and it truly is. I know that I am going to be okay, because you are truly an awesome God. I have many questions, and I am seeking answers. I know others will share their grief, but this is my grief. This is my grief! My personal grief that I must go through. I must face it head on and without fear. I have to believe and trust you. I have to stand on your word and believe your promises that you will shield me. You will protect me and give me peace in the midst of this storm. So today, God I thank you. I bless your Holy name as you continue to lead and direct me. Help me so I can help others. In Jesus’ name. Amen
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About the Book
This book is about the authors experience of losing her only child and her journey to live life again. On August 2, 2007 around 2:45 a.m., she received a phone call from her son's job informing her that he had was killed in a trucking accident. Cynthia screamed from the depth of her soul while slowly going to the floor in disbelief. In one unexpected moment, her life was in a whirlwind. She kept saying,"This is unbelievable" " This is crazy." Little did Cynthia know that she would be saying this phrase over and over again for many reasons and for many years. She was desperately seeking help in her shattered world of grief and loss. She knew her search for understanding was the key to healing. Her healing process began when she joined a grief support group. She was tired of pretending, of wearing a mask of normalcy. She realized she had only blocked the experience out of her mind, which had prolonged her healing process. Cynthia confronted the loss and began an active pursuit to heal in a healthy way. During this pursuit, she realized loss comes in many forms (e.g. divorce/ relationship, job, homes, death, etc.), but the stages of the grief process are the same.
About the Author
Cynthia is a native of Louisiana. She resides in Dallas, Texas. She is the founder and CEO of Women Empowering Women for the Next Generation Ministries (WEW Inc). She is a minister, teacher, speaker, conference host, and a person who seeks to make a change in the lives of people by being transparent about her life for the kingdom of God. Cynthia is guided by Philippians 4:13: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.