The Traitor Within

Chapter 4

Understanding

“Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.”

~ Albert Einstein

Knowledge, reason, faith, fact, focus, and understanding – these are the building blocks that make up the foundation of who we are as individuals. During my time at Emmanuel College, I took great strides to reinvent myself into the person I wanted to be. There is something inspiring about a “fresh start”, and that is exactly what Emmanuel gave me.

I began to take a long hard look at myself, and took note of the many aspects of my personality that I didn’t like and that I wanted to change. I began to work on making changes even though it was extremely difficult, but this was a second chance that God had given me and I wasn’t going to waste it! I began my senior level Psychology courses which included Personality Theory, Biological Basis of Behavior, and Abnormal Psychology as well as several others. These courses helped me understand the workings of the mind and how disorders can occur for various reasons. And even though I had no idea as to what God had planned for me, I was completely sure He was calling me into ministry, so I enrolled in Theology courses also. This started me thinking about how I was going to mix Psychology and Theology together and how to use that knowledge in ministry and in counseling. I had been attending a church in Athens, Georgia, and during my time there I worked in the youth department, the altar team, and taught a college and career class. I was working through the church to be licensed as a minister. After I received my license, I continued my training and gained experience so that I could be ordained. While I was working through this process, as well as keeping up with my class work, I again became stressed and somewhat overwhelmed. I thought I was doing what God was leading me to do, yet I was so busy that I felt like I wasn’t hearing from Him. Fortunately, I knew that I didn’t want to allow the Traitor to gain influence over me yet again! However, it was difficult because I still didn’t understand that the Traitor existed. I was battling these thoughts and feelings and it felt like it was taking everything within me just to hold on. This continued until the day I walked into class and my professor gave an assignment that would take me way out of my comfort zone!

It was in the spring semester of a Counseling Theories class when a professor gave my class an assignment unlike any assignment I had experienced before. My professor told the class to go to a nearby park and spend some time meditating. He went on to tell us that meditation was a wonderful therapeutic technique and that he used it quite often when he practiced as a professional counselor. So the class packed up and headed over to the park. I had no other instructions than to walk through the park until I found a good spot and then I was to sit and meditate. I felt a little silly walking through the park trying to find a good meditation spot. I had never meditated before, and I wasn’t too sure how this was going to work out. I walked until I came to a large creek and I decided that it was as good as any place to meditate so I sat down and closed my eyes.

As I sat and waited, nothing happened. After a while I became bored, so I opened my eyes and began to look around. Over to my right I noticed an ant that was struggling to carry a leaf the size of a silver dollar. As he struggled, it became more and more obvious to me that he wasn’t going to give up. I remember thinking that I could relate to this ant. I was sure that I knew exactly what he felt like as he struggled under the weight of his load. I sat and watched that ant for almost a half hour until he pulled that leaf over to the side of the creek. I thought “he’d better watch out and not get too close,” but he did and was quickly washed away. My mind began to wander and I began to think about that ant being washed away. I began to wonder if I would be washed away. Was I strong enough, determined enough to fulfill God’s plan for my life. I felt so burdened. I felt like I was never going to achieve my goals. It had been six years since I first felt called to ministry, and from my perspective, I was no closer to that goal on that day sitting by that creek than I was on the day I was sitting in church and first heard God’s call. I sat there watching the creek flow by me. I began to notice the sound of the water and how pleasant the creek sounded as it rushed over the stones and tumbled down its path. I then looked downstream to where the water slowed. It looked still – peaceful. It was slowly moving but not stagnant. It was filled with life! When I looked more closely, I saw bugs, fish, tadpoles, and lizards. As I began watching the life that was in the slow part of the creek, I felt the Spirit of God telling me that my life was like this creek. During the first six years, I was in the fast part of my life where I had heard and answered God’s call. I quickly and fervently went to work to accomplish what God had placed in front of me. But now, I was in the slow moving section of life, barely moving, but much deeper.

The Holy Spirit told me that just as the fast moving water is powerful, and that power can be used to do so many things, the slow moving water is just as important. It was the slow moving, deep water where I would learn about God through experience, and how he would use me in the future. God had me at Emmanuel to gain understanding of who I was and what he had for me to do. The peace that comes with knowing you’re in God’s capable hands is beyond description. As I sat there staring at the water and all it contained, the Spirit of God revealed to me the idea of the Traitor, and with that new understanding, I began to prepare myself to fight.