Forgive Me My Sin

She barely managed to get out of the taxi as she was feeling so weak. She clutched her small suitcase containing all her worldly possessions, as she paid the taxi driver. The driver took her money and drove away, leaving her on the pavement, a small, fragile, pathetic looking figure, so relieved that he could get rid of her. She looked up at the house, but it had changed so much. There was a wall which had been built in front of the house and a big iron gate over the driveway. There were rose bushes growing up the side of the driveway against the wall. Everything looked so still and peaceful. Suddenly fear gripped her as she thought that perhaps the house had been sold and her family moved away. She wouldn’t have blamed them if that was true, she had been away for a long time. What would she do then? She had very little money left because she had spent most of it on her airline ticket back and then the taxi from the airport. As she stepped closer, she noticed three cars parked further back in the driveway. It seemed obvious to her that the house had been sold, to someone who was wealthy enough to afford more than one car. Two small dogs were lying on the paved driveway, lazily soaking up the sun. She then saw someone working on one of the cars, and thought if she could just ask him what happened to her family, perhaps he would be kind enough to help her. She was about to ring the gate bell, when the dogs noticed her and started to bark. The man straightened and looked at the gate. He started to walk towards the gate, rubbing his hands clean on a small towel. It was too late to turn away and run. She was so tired of running. As he came closer, she recognised him. It was Paul. The dogs were running around, sometimes coming to the gate, sometimes running back to him, barking at her, a stranger. She had thought about this moment so many times and how the family would react when she came back, and now it was happening. She did not have any strength left to move away, but just stood there, helplessly waiting. Not knowing if she would receive his condemnation or acceptance. Did she have any right to disturb them? To disrupt the life that they had built for themselves while she was away?

Paul got closer to the gate, slightly annoyed that he was being disturbed. He still had two vehicles to service that day and then tomorrow he was going through to the church camp to fetch the children. It was Saturday afternoon and he still had lots to do. He looked up at the woman who was standing there. She looked as if she was about to fall over in her weakness. Her long hair hung limp and her skin was gaunt and yellow. Her clothes were old and tattered. It was probably some beggar looking for some food. Well, he would do the Christian thing and make them something to eat and tell them where the nearest shelter was and then he could continue his work. As he got closer, he looked more carefully at the woman. She was just standing there, with a pained expression on her face. Could it be Monica? Surely not! But as he got up to the gate, there was no mistake, it was Monica. He hadn’t recognised her at first.

“Monica” Paul called out. “Is that you?”

Monica looked up at him and slowly nodded. She felt so desperate, wanting to be loved and accepted, but she knew she did not have the right to ask for that. She felt so degraded and used and dirty.

Paul unlocked the gate and walked out to her, closing the gate behind him so the dogs would not get out. She stood there, looking down, with her hands at her side, wishing she was somewhere else, perhaps someone else. Paul stood in front of her and looked more carefully at her. She felt terrible and continued to look away from him, waiting for his rebuke. It did not happen. His gaze was full of love and a gentleness that she had not expected. He picked up her suitcase, opened the gate and walked in, expecting her to follow. She just stood there unable to walk further. Paul stopped walking and put her suitcase down when he realised that she had not followed him. He turned back towards her, bent down and gently picked her up. She had lost a lot of weight and he was surprised how easily he was able to lift her up. He walked back inside and kicked the gate closed with his foot. He carried her to the swing seat that was under the trees in the garden. He put her down onto the seat and sat beside her. The dogs came with them and began to sniff her, unsure of how to react. Paul called them away and they obediently came to sit at his feet. They both sat in silence, he was praying for God’s wisdom on how to handle this situation. She was feeling guilty and condemned. She felt that Paul was the judge and the jury and that she had been tried and convicted and was waiting to be sentenced. Her future was now in his hands. Would he discard her and tell her to leave, as so many others had done in the past, even though they had promised friendship?

“I will go and make something for us to eat” Paul said calmly, even though he didn’t feel calm.