Blind, but Now I See

The Beginning

     My wife and I sat in the doctor's office awaiting his arrival.  I just had my MRI one week before and there we sat.  Mere seconds seem like minutes and minutes seemed like hours.  We sat in silence staring at the walls.  Our nerves were shot by the sheer multitude of uncertainty that lay before us.  We really didn't have much to say.  We had talked and talked and talked about it all week long.  We discussed all the possibilities.  In fact, I was getting sick of talking about it.  There was really nothing either of us could do.  We just had to wait and see the results of the MRI.  Something was seriously wrong with me.  I needed help and I needed help bad.  Something was going haywire in my brain.  I knew I couldn't it fix myself.  I just hoped and prayed whatever was going on could be easily fixed. 

     I heard the doorknob rattle and then the door slowly cracked open.  The doctor came in holding an envelope, the contents would most certainly change our lives.  The big question was in what way?  Was it going to be life threatening or life changing?  We had so many unanswered questions.  The possibilities were endless; way too much to consume.

     He told us I had a tumor.  The doctor would go on to say over the next few minutes that the tumor was the size of a boiled egg.  Furthermore, he's not sure whether it was malignant or benign.  He explained part of the tumor could be benign and another part could be high grade malignant, because of the large size of the tumor.  We had three choices, none of which seemed too appealing.  The first was to do nothing and certainly die.  Secondly, I could have a small hole drilled through my skull to get a small sample of it to biopsy.  My last choice was the scariest of all, have a big hole drilled into my skull, the size of a golf ball and try to get it all.  The doctor explained to us that getting it all would be the only way to determine what exactly was there, how serious it was, and most importantly how to treat it. 

     I looked over at my wife and tears poured down her face.  Her tears did not go unnoticed by my doctor.  He was so caring and quickly offered my wife a tissue.  His caring demeanor was why we went with him in the first place.  I felt as comfortable with this doctor as a man could be in my situation.  He had what they call in medicine, a great bedside manner.  He told us we didn't have to make a decision right away.  Thankfully we had a few months to think about our options.  Ashley had made it abundantly clear to me she would accept whatever decision I made and support me in the decision. 

     I couldn't understand why they just couldn’t start chemotherapy and radiation to get rid of it.  Why did they have to go into my head?  The thought of that freaked me out.  I told my wife I guess this is it.  I wasn't going to let them do it.  I was just going to let it kill me.  Then at least I thought I would die in one piece without a hole in my head.  However weird things started happening to me.  I experienced heavy sweats all over my body so bad it drenched my clothes. Along with tingling down my left side and most worrisome were outer body experiences.  I know it sounds crazy, but it's true.