Nearly Normal

I learned so much about myself going through this process. I realized I would view our investment as a loss if she were not to be raised by us. I realized I really had not cared about her birth parents’ wishes for her until we reached the mediation process. I hate to admit this, but I had a superior view of myself in comparison to the parents, who were young and products of their environments.

I had never been more aware of myself, and of everyone around me, before the day our third daughter became a Fields. It was a surreal but tangible experience. A legal change, a gavel hit, a pronouncement made, and generations, families, and futures were forever altered.

Fostering and adopting has been one of the most difficult, invigorating, tiring, and messy endeavors our family has ever been a part of. Some days I look at my children, who are made of someone else’s DNA; I see their mannerisms and foreign expressions, and end up feeling like I am trying to communicate with strangers who live in my house. On other days, I feel I will never break through the fog that seems to rest over the deep, black eyes of my little girl. There are hugs that seem distant, and looks that only a blood relative could recognize.

But then, there is another day. There are little feet that run to me in the morning and faint voices that say, “Mommy, I’m scared.” There are prayers that would have never been prayed and songs that would have never been sung. There are two big sisters who would have never known the joy of having two little sisters. There are tickles that would’ve died and clean towels that would not have been used. There are grandmas who would have never known the love of these two little bundles, and chocolate-milk sippy cups never drank. My heart seems to grow wider and deeper when I hear them sing, “Jesus loves me, this I know.” As one friend said, “Adoption is not for the weak.” Indeed. It is messy, and the journey long, but it is beautiful. 

“In love, He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will- to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved.” Ephesians 1:5-6 (ESV)