My Father’s Forgiveness

As my brothers fist struck the door to knock, I held my breath, and we stood there for what seemed like an eternity, waiting. On the other side of that door stood my father and his wife, and while I knew the man who was in that apartment, part of me had no idea what I would encounter. As the door swung open, and I saw him he looked precisely as I had remembered. His hair was gray but styled similar to my memories, and virtually everything else seemed the same. The very instant that I saw him, something happened on the inside of me. It was nothing that I expected. I was sure that rage would fill my soul, and I would lash out with years of bottled up aggression. However, what took over me was a great unexplainable peace. The nervous feeling that I experienced standing before a closed door had evaporated; there was nothing; however I was not void of feeling. What I experienced at that moment was peace, an overwhelming peace. It was authentically breathtaking, and there are no words that can conclusively describe it. After being welcomed into my father's house, we sat in the living room and talked for at least two hours maybe more. Time seemed to stand still as we conversed, and I genuinely had no knowledge of the amount of time that had passed. We talked about everything from his health to our lives and plans. Surprisingly enough, it was refreshing just to sit and talk. Within myself I could find no anger, there seemed to be no hatred, and there was no longer any bitterness. Those feelings that I had bottled inside before, those words, phrases and questions that I had rehearsed time and time again for this very moment were nowhere to be found they were completely, and unequivocally gone. Just peace that seemed to be all I could conjure up. Although I was unable to identify the source or reasoning for this peace, I found the answer in the Word of God, allow me to show you. Philippians 4:7 (HCSB) explains the aforementioned peace in this manner; "And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” It would seem that I had finally experienced the peace of God that surpassed all human understanding, and it truly was nothing that I could understand with my natural mind. My mind had so much it wanted to communicate. There were so many feelings that it wanted to validate. However, as the opportunity presented itself, I found my mind under the submission of my Spirit and therefore was being directly effect by the peace of a God, who calms the stormy seas. I was no longer viewing the situation with my own eyes, feelings and emotions; I was looking at it through the eyes of Jesus Christ, with my heart. I no longer saw a man who had many years ago, abandoned his children; I saw a child of God. No more did I see a man who seemingly refused to pick up the telephone to call us, I saw a child of God. I could not see a man who never visited; I could only see the child of God. I could no longer see the emotional scars and abuse, the empty longing heart, a broken family love, the pain and the neglect. I saw a man who my Father God loved and required the same love of me. After leaving the house that day, my beautiful wife and I (we were dating at the time), shared a time of personal reflection on the events that had unfolded. She shared with me her perception of the day and the reactions she was a witness to. Of all others involved, she knew my heart on this matter the best. I had shared with her my anguish, doubts, fears and uncertainties about this trip. However, she said something that evening that resounded in my heart. "I am proud of you." She said. "You set aside your desires and started seeing your father through the eyes of God and through that your heart was softened to look beyond the hurt and pain that he may have caused you." In order for any of the events that day to have taken place the way they did, it was required of me to begin observing the situation through the eyes of God. I needed to start looking at the situation with my spirit, only then was my heart softened enough to let that peace in, a peace that would subsequently overtake me.

The act of extending forgiveness to my father altered the very course of my life. My entire life changed including the way I perceived, processed, thought and emoted. My heart was changed; it was no longer callous and cold. A love from above had overwhelmed and overtaken me. I found that acting in true forgiveness changed my entire outlook. I encountered truths that I had heard about, but had never truly experienced. Promises that I knew were from above, yet I could never grab hold of. I'm talking about things like peace, love, and joy. All truths which I possessed knowledge of; we even sang amazing songs about them in church on Sundays yet I found myself miles away from them. If you are still struggling with all this, look for a moment at it from this perspective, as it relates to my unforgiveness. Have you ever encountered someone who was bitter towards a person or situation? I am hopeful that your answer is "yes". Now answer me this, how peaceful is this person? Are they full of joy and smiling? Are they often willing to open their hearts to allow someone close again? Do you see where I am going with this? The joy, peace, and love that God intends for you to have can and will be affected by unforgiveness. The realization came to me quickly that harboring unforgiveness allows a particular bondage that ties up these attributes from Heaven. Thankfully though, there is a power that is released when you forgive, and it is mighty enough to break down these barriers and release the power of God in your life! It seems quite easy for me to sit and write on this topic, seeing that I have already traveled this path. This book could not bring the revelation that it does had it been written prior to my encounter with my father. I say that, understanding these next few statements may not seem relevant until you have completed or at least begun your journey and are able to look back at it with an objective eye. My prayer though is that you will take these statements to heart and allow them to take root inside. I understand that these may result in some resistance, however I recommend you highlight them, and then return to re-read this after your journey is complete. While you stew in unforgiveness, regardless of what you say, your peace is unsettled. While you let unforgiveness live inside of you, regardless of how you feel, your love is incomplete. While you embrace unforgiveness as your own, your joy is never truly unspeakable. Understand that I am speaking in Spiritual terms. You may flaunt the biggest smile when you are around others, but that's not real joy. No matter how hard you try, you will never fully attain peace or happiness until you release the debt that is owed. When you release that debt, forgiveness becomes more than just a word. Essentially what you are doing is cutting the straps that held forgiveness down, allowing that forgiveness to swing freely. Like a wrecking ball, it swings and smashes through all of the barriers that have besieged you for so long, breaking free the joy peace and love which long to infect your very being. I have heard it said and you may be saying it as well, "Well Seth that simply is not true, I am a very happy person." You may be happy but I can assure you that your happiness pales in comparison to the joy of the Lord; you may be a lovely person with a charming smile but you can't share the love of Christ because you do not possess it; and yes you may even be able to maintain a peaceful demeanor, just know that it is not a peace that surpasses all natural understanding. We are all able, at times, to feign a façade when necessary. However, this façade, as with most, is not representative of the truth.