Broken Pieces

I never knew what it meant to have a mother’s touch or even see a father’s smile. And as the years went on I sought for love and affirmation in the strangest places. I was confused, shackled and tormented by this desire to belong. And many of the decisions I made were directly tied to my emptiness. I feel like I am that single dark cloud passing over a blue sky wandering aimlessly, being driven by forces I cannot see. What keeps me alive is not a light of hope that burns within me, but the uncertainty of the dark. The fear I have of not wanting to walk as my parents walked is the same fear that has become my companion. I am like them and even worse. Whenever I am reminded of the past episodes of my life, I become angry, knowing that I am unable to re-write them. I feel my stomach turn with each unpleasant memory. And the only way I am able to strike a balance with how I am feeling is to erupt in anger. I wish that someone could see me screaming for help. That someone would come and rescue me from this bottomless pit. But the wall around my heart has become a symbol of my strength, to drive away the feeble or faint in mind. But deep down I care what people have to say about me, but I lack the true will and desire to change it. And the negative remarks only solidify who I was becoming and had become.