Where is My Money?

YOU MUST BELIEVE Is that all Nike? Is that all you think I can do asked God? It was quite a question, one that seemed easy enough to answer, yet difficult enough to believe. God confronted me right there and I realized in that moment that I was struggling with unbelief concerning my finances. I have been what the legal world calls a "starving lawyer." As hard as it was to believe I was fully educated and completely broke. I had a bachelors, doctorate, and masters yet I was buried in debt, and riddled by my own daunting thoughts of failure. I would often beat myself up and say, "but you're a lawyer," how can you not have money? Why can't you afford a new place? A new car? Why are you so poverty stricken? Why do you work so hard yet have so little? These self-inflicted accusations came not from a struggle in making ends meet and becoming “successful,” in one or two years but for now fifteen years! It was embarrassing, and in my mind, demoralizing as I was supposed to have made it by now. I didn't realize that the weight of failed success was adding pounds of depression to my tired heart. Yes I was hurt inwardly but I smiled through my pain and pushed past my tears to encourage someone else to do what I was failing to do: BELIEVE! The word I spoke to others they believed and so they prospered but me in my unbelief lacked and I didn't realize it until now at this very moment as my fingers hit the strokes on the keypad to write these words. Yes, I am bringing you on my faith walk minute by minute because I believe God is causing me to write this not only to encourage myself but someone else who may be stuck wondering God where are you in all of this? And so today as I was cleaning my home, sick with allergies, and preparing for national television on Saturday, the Lord spoke to me. See, I've been running, not from the call but from the process. I accepted the call, but I didn't accept fully accept the process concerning my career or my finances. What I mean by that is I've been asking God for three years now if He wanted me to give up the practice for full time ministry or focus more of my attention on the practice and not worry so much about the ministry. And at the end of year one, He said one word: home. Home wasn't any of the options I gave God! Can you imagine the nerve and the unmitigated gall I had to even think, "God I didn't give you that as an option?!" But what God was telling me was that I wasn't going to be doing much of either one because I was going to be home as I took ill at the end of 2016 and had major surgery in February of 2017. I couldn't work for a whole year practically. I worked on approximately two private cases and a few court appointed cases! And guess what? I survived, but I was also still broke. Not to mention in the prior year I was out of work for a few months because I had given birth to my one and only child, Willow-Symone. That set us back as well. So by now, if you know I’m married, you're probably wondering what about my husband, what was he doing? Good question, he works in education, he had a set salary and it just wasn't enough, because now there was an extra mouth to feed on top of three overheads that we were managing (home, church, and the law- office) not to mention his job was simply below his pay-scale (that’s a different book). Were we thankful? Absolutely! But did we always understand? Absolutely not! In my mind we were supposed to be living it up especially by the time our first child came. There were so many life goals and plans that we talked about and Lord it just wasn't supposed to be like this! Right? We were God’s servants, God’s elect—so why were we suffering so much financially? Why didn’t it feel like God was supplying all of our needs?! We weren't supposed to owe everybody from back taxes to regular utilities to rents and mortgages! It was physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. It took everything in me to wake up on mornings, to get out of bed and say, "I rose to make a difference ." It took everything to encourage someone else who was financially struggling to say," it won't always be this way, " while simultaneously holding back the tears in my own eyes because well, I still was waiting for my breakthrough. It took everything to sing God's praises and minister to His people knowing that my finances had plummeted yet again or was altogether nonexistent once more. But interestingly enough in this time at home, God showed me a wealth that money couldn’t buy: family. He showed me unconditional love through my husband who helped to nurse me back to health. He showed His grace through my daughter who couldn’t understand the transition her mother was going through, but who still saw the value in me by clinging to me, much like the Father holds us: secure and unmovable. However, in all honesty, I couldn’t focus on His love shown through them as well I was consumed with worry about how we were going to make ends meet. This was NOT the way God wanted me to spend my time at home. God wanted to heal me and restore me. He wanted to give me a failproof plan that I could execute, but my anxiety and worry wouldn’t allow me to sit still enough to listen to His instructions or direction. So I continued to focus on the problem and not the problem solver (it is important to note that when in financial distress, the worse thing anyone can do, is focus on the lack of money—it is totally unproductive and nothing gets accomplished—in fact it only furthers the strangulation of one’s finances—and this I learned the hard way)! The python spirit was strangling me and my pockets; I was just fighting to get one breath of God's oxygen to sustain my place in life and to continue the kingdom assignment. What was that python spirit? Well you may or may not be familiar with the story of Paul and the girl with the spirit of divination (also referred to as python spirit). This girl worked for two magicians and she would go behind Paul as he preached the Good News to say come see a man of power who can heal and set free. Now she was telling the truth because the power of God was fully at work within Paul, but her hidden message of wealth, gain, political status, and notoriety was choking out the message of salvation and therefore the spirit that was at work in her needed to be rebuked and cast out so that the work of God would not be hindered. In the same manner, I realized that the work of God in my life could no longer be stifled by the words of others that would say, "she's such a great lawyer," "she's so understanding," "she'll do the work for a good 'price'".... the list could go on, and while true, it took away from my self- worth! I couldn’t understand my own worth because it was always based on someone else’s opinion on how they saw me—and for me that was everything. I lived my life through the eyes of other unfortunately, always wanting to measure up to their standards, forgetting that the only standard I needed was the word! The word I preached about and taught about was supposed to be the standard when the thought of self-doubt flooded my mind and my perception; but it didn’t! And because I didn’t allow the word to take first place in my life; I was sadly obscuring my purpose and more importantly I was not allowing God to get the glory out of my work and my profession. It was time to come out of this sick cycle! I had to confront my need for approval from others and loose myself from the pangs of trying to please clients, colleagues, and collaborators. It was time to stop trying to convince others that I was good enough to be paid and that I was worthy of top dollar; but first I had to believe it for myself!