Being Single
by
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“It’s time to take a break,” I said after I’d
- been to fifteen conferences…for singles, and
- been a member of six singles’ support groups.
And I did, actually, for two years. On and off during the break I updated my collection of conference Notes, CDs, DVDs, etc., on singles. I went online on September 27, 2012 to catch up on the latest on singles’ issues. Then I ran across an ad about a seminar on being single. It was scheduled for October 5-6, 2012 at Park Central Hotel, New York City. I tried to ignore it but couldn’t, gripped by its focus:
The Being Single seminar helps participants to develop skills to take charge of their experience of being single, and
- love being single while single, and
- love leaving singlehood when the time comes
“Take charge,” “love being single,” and “love leaving singlehood,” I echoed and said. “That’s a thought; unlike any conference for singles I’ve been to.” I called to sign up.
“Sorry,” a lady’s voice said, “sign up closed a week ago.”
“Put me on the waiting list, please.”
“Too late for that, but give me your name and daytime phone number, just in case.”
An opening came up on October 3, and I took it.
“Lisa, Lisa,” I heard behind me in the registration line. I turned around to look and there was Jamie, my classmate in nursing school. We’d met at several singles’ conferences since graduation…
“Jamie,” I said, “nice to see you again.”
“Me too,” she said. She’s 5’8”, blond, and thirty-five, and I’m 6’, auburn-haired, and thirty-four. We’re both never married singles.
We happened to be three doors apart on the 11th floor. Half past seven Friday night, the seminar started. There were thirty-six participants.
For a warm up exercise, Dr Vince Nelson, the presenter of the…seminar asked us to take five minutes and jot down
- the kind of spouses we hope to be to our spouses, and
- the kind of moms and dads we hope to be to our children.
“That’s odd,” I mumbled. All the singles’ conferences I’d been to, started with hypes for hunting down the type of spouse you’re looking for not the kind you want to be. Am I in the right place? I wondered…
Five minutes later, Vince asked us to break into groups of…four (ladies by themselves and men by themselves) and take ten minutes to discuss what we’ve jotted down. My group-mates were Karen, Amy, and Lauren…
The four of us agreed the shift from what to look for in a spouse-to-be to the kind you hope to be took us by surprise. The debriefing showed that we weren’t alone. Other participants also struggled with the shift initially. But I was surprised to hear never married single men say they’d cook…vacuum floors, do laundry…change diapers, etc.
Some of the never-married ladies said they’d take off shoes from the feet of their husbands when they return home. Others said they’d be patient with them. Still others said they’d demand an apology the first two times their husbands cheat on them…
Most divorcees, widows and widowers said they’d be more understanding, accepting, and caring step-dads and moms. That surprised me, because of the horror stories of mean step-dads and step-moms that float around… Vince summed up the debriefing with this slide.
Choosing a life-mate?
- prepare a shop-list of spouse-to-be’s qualities
- down with the conventional, ‘opposites attract;’ up with the non-conventional, ‘compatibility and passion’
- get out and meet the right type of singles, singles that meet your high standards
- don’t leave romance to chance, be proactive…
“…Then he put these stats on the screen:
According to George Barna (March 31, 2008)
- 50% of marriages in the USA end in divorce
- …the relationships of the 50% that stay married lack vitality, real love, and purpose. Many stay married because of
- kids
- finance
- religious beliefs, or
- convenience
“So what went wrong,” Vince asked, “when singles
- went out with a shop-list of spouse-to-be’s qualities
- dated about 29 people each, guided by that list, and
- married one of the 29 or the 30th?”
He opened the floor for discussions.
Certainly, I thought, Vince isn’t going to tell us arranged marriages, on-line computer-matched couples, or the psychologically matched, etc do better? I wondered, Does Vince know anything about myriads of abused wives trapped in arranged marriages… I wanted to ask but didn’t…
Continuing, Vince said that focus on the type of spouse you want tends to overlook the kind of spouse you’re likely to be.
“The Being Single seminar,” he added, “draws attention primarily to the sort of person you are. The seminar would help you to start thinking and working on who you ought to be to that special someone of your dreams…”
That has a nice ring to it, I conceded. But it also leaves many questions unanswered… …We took a break.
“Lisa,” Jamie said in the seat to my right…“What do you think? Are you glad you came?” We got up together.
“Too early to tell,” I said and excused myself to go talk to Vince. I approached him at the podium. “Dr Nelson,” I said.
“Yes, Lisa,” he said…reading my nametag. “What can I do for you?”
“Is it possible to lose sight of what we bring to marriage when we’re busy looking for what we want in it?”
“Nicely put,” he said, chuckling. “Do you have a related question…?”
Is this guy a psychic? I thought. “Yes, I do…How do I know a guy I meet is also focused on what sort of spouse to be and not on the kind he wants?”
“Good questions, Lisa,” he said. “Think about them throughout the seminar. And tell me what you find at the end. Will you?”
“Yes,” I said hesitant, and returned to my seat.
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About the Book
There can be many complex emotions tied into the idea of being single: societal pressures, self-esteem issues, loneliness, a sense of where you fit in the world . . . it can seem overwhelming or even depressing. Being Single is a refreshing look at what it means to be single.
Follow Lisa as she learns valuable lessons about herself and challenges long-held misconceptions that hold many people back. Do you look for a potential partner with a laundry list of must-haves, ignoring your own dysfunctions? Are you more focused on what a partner can give to you, rather than on what you will bring to a partnership? Are you locked into the idea that people who don’t have children aren’t fulfilling their calling in life? And do you believe that as a single person, you aren’t who you are supposed to be?
Properly breaking from singlehood can be the most powerful tool in transitioning to a successful marriage. Let Being Single open your eyes to a new way of thinking, and learn along with Lisa how to enjoy being single and how to learn the skills that will let you take charge of the experience of singlehood, turning it into a time of growth and blossoming rather than bitterness and frustration.
About the Author
Wilson Awasu (PhD, Fuller Theological Seminary) has been given the opportunity to observe people’s relational patterns during decades of teaching and interacting with college students, missionaries, and hundreds of people both within and outside the church. This book shares his tremendous insights, taken from experience with eligible singles, never-married singles, married couples both with and without children, widows, widowers, and divorcees. Dr Awasu is the author of Kim’s Confessions, Kathy’s Good News, and Family Likeness. He and his wife, Anna, live in Lakeville, Minnesota.