My Name Is Mom

Dear Blob,

It feels a bit odd to address you this way. But, when you and I were first introduced all those years ago, that was the name they gave you. Actually, your full name was “Blob of Tissue” but this name has never suited you.

Let me re-introduce myself. I am Anna, the woman that you were quite attached to for a time. You may remember me by another name. I think I said my name was Jane Smith or something like that. It is hard to remember now because it has been nearly 35 years. Actually, 34 years and 8 months. I was 17 years old then and just beginning my senior year at high school. I had spent a few weeks that summer in Lake Tahoe visiting a friend and her family. We had too much freedom, she and I. One night we decided to walk up the street to a party. The minute we walked through the front door, we realized that we were in way over our heads! I’ve thought a lot about that night and wished I had not been so gullible. I was only 17 after all. Anyway, as we were leaving the party, two nicely dressed, clean-cut men were waiting outside. One of them offered to walk us home to protect us. The man introduced himself as Phil and said he was a fireman in that area. Well, that man raped me that night. I had never been so scared and so confused. He looked at me with a hatred that I had never seen before. I was afraid to call the police or call my parents because I thought I would get into trouble. Looking back now, that seems so absurd!

Anna

Dear Blob,

It is awkward telling you how relieved I felt when you were taken from my body, but I am determined to look back at what happened between us with honesty. If it is any consolation, there was something the nurse said to me when it was all over - that I would be able to move forward and never look back. It would actually be more accurate to say that my thoughts about you have been a strange and constant companion all these years. Even though I thought of you at the time as just a blob of tissue, you have held a considerable amount of weight throughout my life. I am compelled to start at the beginning and explain all that happened with and without you.

Anna

Dear Blobs,

I apologize for never having asked you about yourselves. But what would one have asked of two blobs? Our relationship was one-sided for so many years that it would have been awfully hard to change. It is true that you were always with me in a strange way. However, it was impossible trying to figure out just where to categorize you in my mind. In fact, for years an immeasurable amount of time and energy has been spent trying not to think about you. If I could, I would have filed you neatly somewhere far away never to be thought of again.

Sometimes I wondered if you were removed from my soul rather than from my womb. Perhaps the doctor made a grave error and left part of you in me.

Anna

Letter #76

Dear Blobs, I always imagined that when something miraculous happened in one’s life there would be fanfare such as drum rolls, or a choir singing in the background. But my miracle happened on a plain and ordinary day, just like hundreds of days before. It was simply perfect. Early on a Sunday morning, still in my pajamas and tending to the baby, there was a knock at our front door. First of all, we weren’t the type of people who had friends that would just pop by for a visit, so I was confused when I opened the door and was greeted by Jan. She walked right into our little house and told me to get dressed, because I was going to church with her. She paid no attention to Kevin's mocking comments as we began preparing in a hurry. Once we got the baby ready, we put him in his car seat and we drove away. I felt as though I had been let out of jail for the day. I wondered what Kevin must have been thinking about my visit

Anna

Letter #78

Dear Blobs,

When Jan pulled into her church parking lot, I did a double take because I had never seen a church like that before. Instead of a beautiful structure with stained glass windows and a nicely manicured garden, it was a small building that doubled as a YMCA during the week. But when we got out of the car, I could hear what sounded like angels singing from the building. I knew those voices came from people much different from myself - good people, happy people. I tried to persuade Jan to let me wait in the car, because I did not belong there. She immediately took me by the arm and told me we needed to get the baby settled in the nursery and get into the church because we were late. I couldn’t understand why she was so happy and nonchalant while I had serious reservations.

Anna

Letter #79

Dear Blobs,

When we walked into the church, everyone was standing with hands raised high as they sang with all their hearts. I had never seen such a display in church before. These people acted as though they really meant what they were singing about. It was a beautiful sight. I stood in the back row very close to Jan, still quite sure someone would come and ask me to leave at any moment. In the meantime, fear or no fear, I couldn’t help but take it all in. What happened next was quite shocking. A man left where he had been standing and walked over to Jan and me. I prepared myself for the expected words that I didn’t belong there and must go. I grabbed Jan’s hand as the man gently pulled us aside, apparently to speak with us more privately. He looked me in the eye and said, “I know you are new here, and I want you to know that I have never done this before, but while I was worshiping, I felt that God was strongly urging me to walk over here and tell you how much He loves you! No matter where you have been, or what you have done, He loves you and forgives you.” He had tears in his eyes as he delivered his message to me. All I could manage to squeak out in reply was, “He does?”

Anna

Letter #80

Dear Blobs,

The words spoken to me in that little church were not empty words, but words that had a heartbeat - words that gave much needed rest to my soul. There was a new hope born in me that I knew would never die. I also knew instinctively that I had a choice to make. I had a responsibility to either accept or reject the gift I was being offered. If I chose to, I could walk away and never look back. In my 21 years, I had grown very cynical and distrustful, yet I knew that I was being thrown a lifeline. With all my might, I reached out and grabbed hold of it. I chose life, Blobs. It was my chance and I chose life!

Anna Dear Sarah,

If my thoughts about you are any indication of instinctive motherly love, then you have been loved dearly and deeply, even though I tried in vain to push that love away…it was there all along. Although you were conceived in violence, you did not deserve to die violently. It gives me great peace that God has forgiven me and that you are with Him. But I also know that you had something amazing to contribute to this world that we all have missed out on. I want you to know that I look forward to spending eternity with you, my precious child.

Love, Mom.