Good Words

I learned about death the hard way. During 2000 through 2002, I lost my older brother, paternal grandmother, father, and mother-in-law—all in less than two years. Their deaths sent shock waves through me and my family. We reeled with grief. Since then, both my father-in-law and sister have died.

These weren’t the first deaths in my experience, but they were the most life-changing and emotionally powerful. Death became a new companion. Once vague and abstract, death became real in my life.

And why not? Once we’re born, the only other certainty of life is that one day we and all of our loved ones will die. We don’t like to think about death, but every year, as many as 2,500,000 Americans die. That’s approximately 8.5% of the total United States’ population. The chances are good that each year we’ll know at least one—if not more—of these people. As we grow older, of course, our losses multiply and we find ourselves seeking ways to integrate these losses into our lives.

Many of our loved ones are remembered and mourned in formal funeral and memorial ceremonies. For people who experience the healing of such ceremonies, there is a growing trend toward personalizing them. Personal touches set the stage for understanding the deceased as unique.

The eulogy is another way to personalize the ceremony. It is an ancient method of memorializing that is still used in many cultures, religions, and nationalities. The eulogy is a short speech praising and blessing the life of the deceased. The word “eulogy” comes from Greek, and it literally means “good words.” Sometimes, “eulogy” is translated as “praise” and “blessing.” The good words of a eulogy can open up the mourning process for us, the bereaved and grieving.

Unfortunately, few people feel comfortable with writing or delivering these good words. Few of us express confidence that our loved one is being honored with fitting words. Instead, we often express fear, anxiety, or an inability to write or to speak publicly. Sadly, at a time when we naturally feel torn apart and inarticulate from grief, we also may feel burdened by a perception that we “can’t write,” and therefore can’t do justice to our loved ones.

One way around this dilemma is to have someone else write the eulogy. For example, through the Internet one can find people who create ceremonies and those who write eulogies for a fee. While these eulogy writers often can provide thoughtful eulogies in a short time, no matter how good the writers are, they just don’t know our loved ones. The eulogy will never be quite as rich and as personal as one that we can write for people we know and love. For this reason, whenever possible, I urge the bereaved to have someone who knew the deceased write the eulogy.

A genuine need to pay tribute to a loved one through a eulogy may create a tension between desire and discomfort. This tension makes the difficult day of the funeral still more difficult, adding an unnecessary burden to an already stressful time. As eulogy writers (or eulogists), we may be afraid that the gathered people will judge us on the words, evaluating whether we have sufficiently honored the deceased. At the same time, we want to infuse the eulogy with dignity, respect, and deep feeling for our loved ones. In these situations, we need special support. Good Words: Memorializing through a Eulogy has been written to provide that support.

This book explains why eulogies, both traditional and contemporary, add to the public sense of mourning provided by a funeral or other memorial service. In fact, all of the elements needed for a powerful eulogy already have been provided by ancient writers like the Greek philosopher Aristotle and the Roman orator Cicero. Using their ideas as a basis, this book outlines simple, time-honored, and proven steps for developing and presenting a memorable eulogy.

Because writing a eulogy almost always occurs when we’re deeply moved by painful emotions, Good Words: Memorializing through a Eulogy organizes these steps by the most-to-least important details. You only need to read the chapters that seem most useful to you. This book will help if writing is very difficult for you or if you have very little time to write. You’ll find in it specific, direct guidance for preparing simple, effective eulogies.

Writing the eulogy is only part of the process. Someone (often the writer but not always) must read the eulogy. Therefore, this book also offers advice for delivering the eulogy with confidence despite the emotional stress of the funeral ceremony.

What you’ll find in this book

This book is written for anyone who needs or wants to write a eulogy. If you’re doing so for the first time, Good Words: Memorializing through a Eulogy will help you through the process. If you’re in the process of re-memorializing or tuning up a previously written eulogy, this book will help you, too. Whether you’re preparing a traditional or a contemporary eulogy, understanding the nature of a traditional eulogy will help you to develop a powerful memorial to pay tribute to the deceased in a way that the funeral attendees will appreciate.

Good Words: Memorializing Through a Eulogy addresses your needs as a eulogy writer by helping you decide:

• What to say
• How to organize your ideas; and
• How to phrase them gracefully, powerfully, and even humorously when appropriate.

This book also provides suggestions for delivering the eulogy in the high-stress environment of the funeral. Finally, it addresses such special circumstances as writing and delivering a eulogy when the relationship with the deceased has been a difficult one, developing the eulogy for multiple speakers, using writing or thoughts of the deceased, considering the special needs of children, and revising the eulogy after the funeral should you desire to do so.