My Journal for Jeremy
Six Months to Say Goodbye
by
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. I remember the day well.
. You called my cell phone and told me” things don’t look good, and the doctor is not letting me go home.”
you have a large blood clot taking control of your body. The doctor stated it goes from your heart to below your stomach, into your heart, liver, and lungs. They then identified three masses on your liver ranging from 3 cm to 10 cm. This could possibly be cancer.
. They found out from the biopsy that you do have cancer and we were told it was fibrolamellar hepatocellular carcinoma
He looks better than he has in a long time. His feet are no longer swollen, and his stomach is down. He is skinny and walks weird, but is looking good. I have never been this close to someone with cancer, so not sure what to expect or what is normal.
We use to laugh and joke about sitting in the Doctor’s office, how you would always try to sneak away with a couple extra vomit bags. Bella would get stickers, and you would have two more bags for emergencies.
So on November 6th you got up to go hunting again.
. You called me and were so excited because you got a little doe. The story you told when you got home was that you shot the deer. Both you and your dad started to run out in the field. You forgot that you couldn’t run, and you collapsed in the field.
. I am so sorry Jeremy, but you did not choose this battle. Neither did your family.
We can’t get away from this nightmare we are trapped in, and we will not wake up.
. Rather than keeping him at home where they have been caring for him 24/7 they decided to have him hospitalized to provide his end of life care.
, I asked you to squeeze my hand so I knew you could hear me. You never did. But when I asked you to blink your eyes, I remember the flutter of your eye lashes, and I really wanted to believe you could hear me talking to you. I will love you forever!
. I remember whispering in your ear telling you over and over again how much I loved you. That you could go home, and I would be coming to join you soon. I promised you that we would go home.
your heart stopped beating, and mine was broken.
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About the Book
I am Val Bower—a daughter, wife, mother, sister, grandmother, and friend. I gave birth to three beautiful children and later adopted two more; I also have four stepchildren. I have spent the majority of my adult life working with people who need some kind of help.
Usually a little bit of stress is a good motivator for me. But when you hear the word cancer and the doctor is talking about your child, your mind does not know what to do. When the next doctor tells you he has two weeks—or maybe a month—to live, you pray.
Someone once told me that I didn’t have enough faith. I was taught to pray, “God’s will be done.” I said that prayer for months and then added, “God give me strength to face the future.” I kept a journal of the days and weeks of struggles and hardships, based on this mom’s feelings. I have no intention of causing pain or anger to anyone; it is all based on my opinion.
My wish is that after reading this, parents will hold their babies more often. Sisters and brothers will say I love you and mean it. I wish for families to realize that tomorrow may not come. Every day should have a memory to hang on to.
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