The Night That Changed My Life

It was a dark and cold night in London, England in 1992. I felt alone and isolated; here I was in a foreign country with no emotional and financial support. I was sitting in my grandmother’s front room reflecting on my life; the past, present and future and it looked hopeless. The hopelessness syndrome captivated my mind and it was affecting me emotionally and physically. While I was sitting contemplating, my surroundings were surged with defeat and confusion. The atmosphere was filled with anxiety, fear and depression; you could literally feel and taste it. I was on the verge of giving up hope, then suddenly, I heard a quiet, but strong voice coming from the inside of me saying, “Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us” (Romans 8:37). When I heard those words, I was trying to dismiss them by speaking out words that were contradictory. The more I tried the louder and louder the words got. The words repeated in my mind until I gave into it. As I began to speak those words aloud, my heart was uplifted with joy and a strong sense of peace came, but there was still a void in my heart. I felt like there was something still missing. I was searching for something, but I did not know what it was. I wanted more out of life and I was desperate for a change. I knew that reflecting, evaluating and analysing my life with the four walls staring back at me was not the place for great imagination, expectation and change, so I went out of the house. As I stepped outside, the cold air hit my face and I felt a sense of freshness and liberty. I sat on the stairs that were outside my grandmother’s house, watching the stars in the sky, talking to God until one of my neighbours interrupted me, so I decided to take a walk and find somewhere that was quiet and where I could be alone. I had a church spare key in my coat pocket, so I decided to go inside the church. The church was literally a two-minute walk from my house. As one of the church leaders and living close to the church, I had a spare key in case of an emergency.
As I entered inside the church building, I began to sing, dance and pray until I felt strengthened in my mind and body, but there was still a void in my heart. I left the building and as I stood outside the churchyard, I gazed into the sky and I thought about Psalm 19: 1-2, which said, “The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament showeth His handiwork. Day unto day uttereth speech, and night unto night showeth knowledge.” While I was meditating on the verses and gazing into the sky, I thought about my early childhood in Jamaica and my pursuit of God. As a child I was determined to get God’s attention. I use to lie on the ground outside the yard, gazing into the sky talking to God and watch the clouds change shapes into different pictures. I would use my imagination to create stories with those pictures, hoping that God would show up, even though I did not know what to expect. All I knew was I wanted to see Him and I thought about doing the same thing in the churchyard, but it was too cold. Jamaica is a hot and sunny country and at the time, England was freezing cold. While I was trying to justify why I should not stay in the cold; I saw three big cardboard boxes stuck in a corner of the churchyard. An uncontrollable laugh bursted out of me and I heard these strong and piercing words coming from the inside of me saying, "What is hindering you?” The words convicted me and I knew that I had no excuse why I should not lay on the ground. The churchyard had the space, there were cardboard boxes and I was appropriately dressed for the weather.
Lying on cardboard boxes at night outside my yard, talking to God, was a regular thing that I did in Jamaica. I enjoyed talking to God in an open space because it felt limitless, liberating and imaginative.
The night air was very cold and windy, my fingers and feet were cold and numb. My body was shaking, my teeth were gnashing, but I was determined to seek the Lord and nothing was going to stop me. As I lay on the ground, I began to cry out to the Lord saying, “Are going to help me?” Tears were streaming down my face; my watery eyes and nose met together and rushed pass my mouth and on to my coat. I was an extreme mess, but I did not care. I wanted an answer from the Lord. I kept silent for a while, and then I heard the Lord say, “I am in Heaven, Jesus is in Heaven and I have sent someone to help you.” Immediately I said, “Who have you sent to help me?” I did not get a response, but I had a strong desire to search the Scriptures. That night I went home and searched the Scriptures, but I did not find any answers. In that same week I had asked Christians that I knew if they had any idea whom God sent to help us with our Christian walk, but no one gave me any convincing answer.