Turned On and Tuned Out

8: Networking Nirvana

As the preceding chapter shows, a false sense of intimacy can be quickly created via the Internet. So powerful is this perceived connection that individuals may find themselves engaging in activities and/or relationships they would not otherwise be engaged in. This is troublesome because true intimacy takes time to develop.

Honest, meaningful, and intimate relationships occur when people invest in their relationships. There are four “T’s” I’ve identified that are present in developing intimate long-term relationships. The first is Time. You need time to exchange ideas, to see if you are in agreement with that other person and the time to really see if they are consistent in what they say and do. Time tells the truth in interactions when you find that the person you are in the relationship with is honest and consistent. The second “T” is Trust. Trust is tested over time as to whether the other person is trustworthy. You share information and wait to see what the other person does with it. You see if their actions are consistent with their words and if you can rely on them. Trusting someone comes only when they prove to be trustworthy. Anyone can carry off a façade of caring for a while, but no one can consistently maintain this over extended periods of time. Trust is built by identifying boundaries for healthy interaction and demonstrating respect for each other’s boundaries. The Third “T” is Tenacity. Tenacity is demonstrated by working through problems and misunderstandings, and developing the relationship over time through the recognition of benchmarks of experience. The final “T” is Triumph. Triumph is celebration, celebration of the time invested in building the relationship, the value of developing trust, the recognition and valuing your tenacity as you work through problems. Together the four “T’s” form the foundation for building respectful, responsible relationships with integrity.

Often when relationships develop quickly (i.e. via the Internet), they are often established without the test of time to determine the legitimacy of the claim of being trustworthy. If we become use to getting immediate gratification then tenacity to stay at it when times are tough may not be something we have the tolerance for or recognize as valuable. In social and electronic media, the rapid exchange of information results in the perception and illusion of intimacy without the test of time to prove its authenticity.

Information is easy to relate to over the Internet due to the perceived isolation created by the computer screen. In the perceived safety of your room, office, dorm, or kitchen, there is a sense that you are alone, and that no one is watching what you do, what you say, or whom you say it to. I doubt the Rutgers University student that secretly video taped his roommate in a relationship with another male student ever dreamed that the video he created would cause the extent of damage and loss of life that it did.

In chat rooms, Facebook, and email relationships, information is often shared with a tremendous amount of fearless transparency. This puts the person relating to the information in a vulnerable position since there is no way to verify the identity of the person on the other side of the screen; online you can create any persona that you choose to construct.

Utilizing this persona over time allows a person to embellish and re-image it, trying it on to see how it fits. Over time the individual may actually begin to take on aspects of this persona as he redefines himself for others.

And when is all this information shared? With everyone being accessible 24 hours a day via their cell phones or e-mail, boundaries seem to be eroding between business and personal time. Personally, I know at times I have found myself ignoring my own rules for containing my technology dependence.

One Saturday several years ago my cell phone rang when I was out fishing with my daughter. Looking at it I knew right away that it was a new client of mine. Here I was, having time with my daughter fishing that I could never replace, and I still took the call! This was a time for my daughter and I and I mismanaged it by allowing work to bleed into my personal life and time with my family.

My daughter is now grown and married, and doing well. However, I cherish every minute that I get to see her, and now that she lives on the opposite end of the country every minute I get is even more precious. It is only in retrospect that I regret that I took any time away. You only have a limited time with your children, your family members and living the life you are in. The time we have with our families is vital for maintaining personal relationships with those we care for.

Here are some alarming statistics about how we allow technology to blur the lines between our work and our personal lives :

• Over 86% of employees use office e-mail for personal reasons
• 65% of Internet usage in the workplace is not work related
• 64% of employees have received politically incorrect or offensive e-mails at work
• 20% of employees surf the Internet at least 10 times a day
• 67% of employers are using the information technology (IT) staff to monitor one or more forms of employee electronic communication
Years ago no one would have thought of sitting and writing personal letters during a work day, but today, e-mailing during work seems like a normal activity for many.

There are numerous times that I can recall entering a store or other business and finding it hard to even get someone’s attention due to their texting or e-mailing. Checking into a hotel recently, I approached the front desk and noticed that the young lady behind the desk was texting. I waited a moment for her to finally notice me, at which point she said, “I’ll with you in just a moment.” She went on to complete her text then set the phone down and asked, “Can I help you?”

My first thought was regarding the theft of service from her employer. The thought occurred to me that she might not be doing work of the establishment while she was texting. My second thought was that she was certainly not focused on the customer since she had me wait while she completed her message.

Has the use of social media really become so pervasive and important that it is a justified personal activity, even at work? These behaviors would not be tolerated on an assembly line or in the shipping department, yet in numerous worksites they are common practice. I believe we are seeing the erosion of relationship integrity in our businesses and personal lives. Neither are being served well due to the constant distractions of diffused boundaries and the over use and abuse of technology.

Business and personal relationships benefit from firm boundaries and expectations. In the workplace today there is confusion over what role people are playing at that particular moment. At what point are they working for the business or attending to personal matters?

Is it fair to your employer if you sit at work and you continually type text messages to family members? And are you really giving your clients the service and attention they deserve when you’re standing on the side of a soccer match stealing time away from your children and family? I’m constantly hearing stories of family members visiting for “special events” only to have some members of the contingent spending most of their time texting others that are not in attendance.