Facing the Waterfall

I felt a cloud move over my family as things got worse and worse. I began to resent Chad for not working when I was working two jobs. I worked seven days a week without any break, and was so exhausted each day I disconnected from my family. My heart just sank when I would come home and my children would beg me to play with them and I didn’t have the energy. My heart hardened each time they asked me to stay home in the mornings because they never saw me and missed me.
I broke further when Chad dropped me off at work on the weekends and the boys would chat about us. They would say things like, “Mom works but dad is the one with the job”. I knew they were innocent in all of this, and we both had been trying to shield them from what was happening, but it killed me to hear the boys accused me of not contributing to the family. All of it kept crumbling around me, and I began to feel unloved to the point I hid myself from my family. Not just because I was tired but because I didn’t want to lash out at them due to my hurt and depression.

It was then that it struck me how much our marriage had fallen. He hadn’t even thought of me. Of course this rained down all the things he had been doing that had been hurting my feelings. The day before, after an 8 hour shift at my second job, I came home to Chad in his PJs watching football. The boys were hungry and so was I. He let me make dinner for the family regardless of my full work day.
Near tears I managed to get myself home. I went straight to my bedroom because I didn’t want to disturb the happy chatter of my two little boys as they ate their pizza. In my heart I didn’t want Chad to look at me and know the hurt I was feeling. I waited in my room while my family ate. I finally came out when I heard Chad cleaning up the dishes. My youngest said he missed me that day. I couldn’t hold back anymore. Tears welled up in my eyes as I hugged him. I looked at my older boy; he didn’t even acknowledge I was in the room talking to them. Had I become that person with my family? Was I gone so much they didn’t even consider me a part of them anymore? All I could feel was hurt.
I knew it was just a mistake, but it was the little things that had gotten to me. I thought my family had accepted I was never around, and all I was good for was work. Bringing in the money, and nagging were the only way people even knew I was alive. I didn’t feel like a part of my own family, and what made it worse was I didn’t know what to do about it.

I needed something. I needed more in my life than all that anger and depression. I called my mom and talked to her for a little bit. I was jealous of her joy. She was happy and cheerful because she had Sunday school the next day and she was excited about the lesson she was going to teach the kids. Enlightenment hit me like a bolt of lightning.
I began sobbing to my mom. I had finally realized why the hole in my chest was never filled. I asked her if she would do a bible study with me. She was shocked. Over the last few years I had become so anti church and religion she thought I had given up on the whole institution of God.
I cried knowing I was not worthy to asking for God’s love or compassion. I had brought my family to that point with my blatant disregards of God and His teachings. I was completely shattered. My mom told me she would meet with me that Monday with a bible study she knew would be perfect for me. I sobbed for a long time after I got off the phone with her. I had no idea I had strayed so far from God.
God please forgive me for the way that I have been living my life. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know how I ended up here. I am so lost without you. Please find me. Please save me from myself.

I am here. I have been waiting for you Andrea.