Through Tear-Filled Eyes

Jordon emailed me out of concern asking “How are you doing? How is your mom? I hope you all are coming along with the adjustment following the death of a loved one. You will have to figure out what works best for you. We all process grief differently. Even in our worst times, we are not alone.” I replied-, “We are doing ok. We now believe mom’s treatment has stopped working. We are waiting to h1ear from her doctor in a few days. Please keep praying for us.”
I thought, “I have no idea how I’m going to handle this.” We now knew the physical signs to look for, and Mom said that she didn’t think her treatment was working any longer. She had been through so much the last few months, and I was worried about her.
Several days later, Mom met with her oncologist, and he confirmed that her treatment wasn’t working. The following week she would start a new, stronger treatment. My fear at this point was that the treatments would no longer work. I knew I couldn’t bear the loss of another parent in the same way and so close together.
I was worried, and I started questioning my faith. I wanted to escape from life. I knew I had been out of the Lord’s will for so long, and a part of me felt as if in some way he was punishing me. I didn’t believe he cared about what was happening in my life. He seemed so distant.
Depression was setting in with me. I didn’t pray much, and I was sure that my prayers were pointless. In spite of all the negative thoughts, I still prayed and asked God why he had stopped listening to me and just where was he?